A letter to my husband and son

Dear Randy and Eli,

I suppose I should write this out privately but these are words I shouldn't hide. I want everyone I know to understand how much the both of you have changed my life and how happy I am.

The first 29 years or so of my life weren't so great...between bouts of depression, drug abuse, physical/mental abuse, being abandoned and feeling unloved I had a lot of very unhappy days. I had grown accustomed to all of that and figured that it was just the status quo. I thought that life had to be hard, that unconditional love was a myth and that happiness was just something Disney made up to sell movies. I had love for my family and friends but no love for myself. I spent days drifting between self loathing and pain honestly believing that I didn't deserve anything more.

Then by some miracle I sent the right e-mail to the right person and an honest dialogue was opened. I started having something to look forward to, something to trust and it scared the hell out of me. I looked for any reason to disbelieve my own heart but no reason came. Finally in a fit of fear but wanting so much to believe I asked that our first (well second) meeting be made without the usual "masks" people wear. Just honesty, something I hadn't ever had. When I made the long drive my hands and heart shook because I knew this was going to change my life but I wasn't sure if it was going to be great or emotional devastation. If people know the story, they know that after 36 short hours of honesty we walked out in love and with a promise of marriage.

I knew I loved you Randy the first moment I saw you in 2005, but it was confirmed when I saw your eyes and smile in that trailer in 2007. You accepted me, as screwed up as I was, for exactly what I was. You never once asked me to change or be someone I couldn't be. You loved and accepted me, held me when I cried and made me want to become a better woman. You watched me slowly climb out of the pit of addiction, drug me kicking and screaming to the hospital and demanded that I be taken care of, and made me believe that I wasn't alone anymore. You accepted the part of me that was (and is) the "Fraggle" but also got me to accept the fact that "Dawn" is a good person too, worthy of your love and devotion. More importantly you helped me integrate those two into a better me...Mrs. Winsett. Your kindness, acceptance, love and friendship saved my life in more ways than the physical...you helped me heal my soul and taught me to accept unconditional love and for that I will forever grateful. Then after you gave me all that you had, you gave me the gift I never thought I would be worthy of, our son.

Eli, my little man...my light, my joy. How can I find the words to describe something that I love so much? I don't think even I understand the depth of my love for you. I don't think God will let me understand that because my heart might just explode. Into you I put everything good I had and wanted nothing back but it came back to me so that I could continue to nurture you and give you what you need. I look at you and see all the love your Daddy and I share and it grows everyday as we watch you grow. I have grown up more in the last year than I have in any other period of my life. Things I accepted before no longer are acceptable if they affect you and I would kill to make sure that your life is perfect. My life will be spent making sure that you never have to experience the harsher life lessons I did and that you never question that you are loved. You are a perfect example that everyone can get a second chance at a beautiful life. I love you with all of my soul and my whole heart.

To my dearest loves...my husband and son I can't promise perfection. I will make mistakes and I will fail. But I can promise that I will always pick myself up and try again. I will always strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. I will strive to never intentionally cause either of your hearts a moments hurt and if I do I promise to kiss the pain away. Randy, I promise to continue to be your wife, your confident, your lover, your best friend and your loyal and faithful partner for as long as you will have me. Eli, I promise to be your mother, your confident, your teacher, a comfort, your clown, your protector and (at times) your friend for as long as I am alive. Both of your presence in my life makes me feel strong, beautiful and loved and I thank God for you both. You are both always in my thoughts, in my prayers and in my heart. I love you.

Love
Dawn, aka Fraggle, aka Mrs. Winsett, aka Mom (my favorite) :-*