Grandpa

Today is Memorial Day and although I miss my grandfather everyday special holidays for servicemen (and women) make losing him more poignant. My grandpa was not always an easy man to love. He was gruff, rude and blunt. He worked hard and lost a lot in his life. He was the last of the Gardner men and seen his wife Madeline die after a long hard illness. He had raised her children as his own having been kept away from his only biological daughter (my mom.) He was a Navy man who retired with full honors, went back to college, rejoined the work force and earned a second full retirement. He was deaf (when he chose to be), diabetic (but a sugar hound), had COPD (but snuck a smoke every chance he got) and lived for his nightly beer and shot (Crown Royal in a juice glass.) He didn't want to live to be as old as he was and denied the joys of living. But he kept on long after he wanted to for my mother and I.

In 1993 I found out he existed and wrote him a letter, the letter in return was tear stained. He not only wanted to know me he loved me. For a few brief years I centered his world, I was his little girl. Then before I left for college I introduced him to his daughter. I ceased to be his focused and although I had moments of regret (based in selfisness) I knew this was what he wanted. When his health declined and my mom's mental health needs increased she moved in. I'm convinced this extended his life. For almost ten years she drove him crazy and made him laugh.

In October of 2005 his health declined to the point that hospice was called. Everyone but my mom knew what this meant. She called me to let me know he was having a worse than usual night so I came over. I asked for a moment alone with him. He was sedated on morpine and clodaphine. I told him I knew I had never made him proud and that seemed to agitate him, so I said I was sorry. I told him I loved him and just wanted to make him happy and proud of me. I told him that I knew he was holding on for me and my mom but that he didn't have to keep on for us. I knew he was tired and that if he wanted to go to his brothers and Madeline, we'd be sad but we would understand. I kissed him and held his hand. Later on that night I told my mom to get some rest that I would watch over him. I think I fell asleep for a minute or 2...and he was gone. The funeral home came and got him and when they tied a sheet over his face I panicked. He was a hero, a figher, my grandpa...they seemed to understand and retied it in a more respectful position.

A week later he was buried with full honors. 21 gun salute, taps, and the flag ceremony. I don't remember much of it. Now I look at my son, who bears my grandpas name and I wonder how will I ever tell him how wonderful his great-grandpa was. I would give ANYTHING. Anything, 10 years of my life, for 1 hour with him now...to be able to put my son in his arms to say "Look at the woman I am now" to tell him I love him one more time.

I love you Grandpa, I hope you can hear me...
.

Family weekends

I just got an e-mail from Grandpa Gene and it looks like everyone (except the Vegas Winsetts) will be in Oklahoma this weekend including my Step-Brother in Law Michael (whom I have not met) This is when I dislike where I live. Vegas is great but I really miss being able to "pop" over for a visit. Dang it all. I miss my San Diego peeps, my New York peeps, the Oklahoma peeps, and the "Burner" peeps scattered all over this great green planet. If I had all the money in the world travel would be a bigger part of our plan. Thank God for blogs, e-mails, texts, pictures and phones huh? For all those...near and far we love you!

Turning smurfy

Friday is Grandparent's Day!! A holiday that for the past 3 years hasn't meant much to me but now (with 6 grandma's and 3 grandpa's for Eli) seems VERY important! So I take my cutie pie son and explain to him that we need to make something special for his grandparents. Now I *know* he is only 10 1/2 weeks old but he is very advanced and VERY stubborn and although he accepted my help he insisted on signing them himself....Glad I checked the label for toxicity....Off to take a bath...quickly...this stuff might stain...:*)

Dreaming....

I realized an amazing thing this weekend...I'm a grown-up!! With my mom I've always had to be more grown up but handing my son over to Wendy and Bob...I realized I wasn't the silly teenager I once was. It was so nice to realize that they finally got to see me with my act together and that their investment in me paid off. I have been so scared that I would lose Wendy (her health is not great at times) and she would not get to see me "ok." This weekend was so great for me in that sense. She said she has never seen me this happy and in truth...I have never been this happy. I didn't know this level of happy existed.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a pediatrician because I wanted to be surrounded by children. I was being raised in a world where being a stay at home wasn't real politically correct, plus I saw what being left by a husband could do to a woman without skills. But if I am really honest with myself...all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted to be the room mom, the PTA mom, the mom who made the cool birthday cakes and crazy art projects on rainy days. I realize that my "feminist" membership card might get rescinded for admitting this but isn't feminism about choice? I like being a wife and a mom. I don't mind sacrificing to take care of Eli. New cars, fancy jewelry, or vacations don't really matter to me (although I do love my purses and shoes!) I just want to be at home with my kids. If we could afford it I'd have a dozen of them (Randy just had a heart attack and doesn't know why LOL) but I want my kids to have the best life (and I want to live in the city and not the middle of nowhere) so I'll settle for 2 (or 3...hehehe) All of my dreams have come true...I have a husband I adore and a little boy who amazes me on a minute-ly basis. What could be better?

Thanks for reading me gush and being a part of my happy little world...Eli says hi!

Family

New weekend coming so a new blog...

Wow it's taken awhile for me to come up with something to say here in Doozer's world. We are both really excited as my adopted mom (Wendy) and her husband (Bob) are coming into Vegas this weekend to see Eli. Usually Wendy is headed back east by now so I was worried she wouldn't get to meet her grandson for a long time but she surprised me when I called last week by saying they were coming out now. For those who don't know the back story...Wendy is the mother of my best friend Daniel (whom I usually refer to as my brother) When my mom started having problems with drugs Wendy took me in. That only lasted a few months before I was shipped off to Colorado to my grandbeast's house. After 2 years I called Wendy begging to come home. Despite having little money and working 3 jobs to support just her and Dan...she let me come home and made sure I finished high school. Since then I have lived with them off and on. Wendy is as different as my mom as can be...mom is tattoos, beer and pizza...Wendy is diamonds, champagne and lobster. If you know me at all you can see how they both have shaped who I am today. So I am very excited to have her and her husband come out. Bob is Wendy's 3rd or 4th husband...but they have been friends forever. He proposed every year on her birthday and she said no. Finally he stopped asking, then about 10 years ago she asked him. When they married Bob accepted me as his own. We named the baby both for Randy's uncle and for Bob. He was the man who showed me what a real husband is like. I love them both...a lot!

Mother's Day was nice but I certainly got the shock of my life when I checked my voicemail and had a message from Randy's mom! (I met his step-mom a few weeks ago) We had sent her a letter but being the dunce I am I switched the box # with the zipcode...so the letter came back. I called her back and we had a lovely conversation. I'm really lucky to have married into such a great family. She seemed really excited to be a grandma and I promised to e-mail her pictures right away (which I did...just hope I got the e-mail address right....damn dsylexia) When I was growing up I always wanted a big extended family with brothers/sisters, aunts/uncles, and grandparents that weren't spawned from hell. I have 2 uncles (but one has joined the ranks of hell-spawn lately) and my grandfather died almost 4 years ago. I am so happy Eli will have what I never did. 6 grandma's claim him, 2 grandpa's, 1 biological Aunt and Uncle, 1 adopted Uncle and Aunt, 1 addopted Aunt and nephew and lots of "chosen" family who call him their own. He's probably going to think Auntie and Uncle are people's 1st names for awhile, lol. With a big family comes the opportunity to be hurt big but I have to open my heart and risk being hurt. Scary!

My health is once again making me nervous. I wish my darn GI doctor wasn't on vacation this week as I need to talk to him. I was advised to go to the ER with my newest concern but as long as it doesn't get any worse I am going to try and hold off. I'm a little weak and tired from it but I can manage ok. Eli is a pretty chill kid. Next week will be a flurry of doctor activity...interventional pain doctor on thursday, neurologist friday and GI on friday. Funfunfun for me huh?

The infantile overlord has awoken...that's all for now!

ps: I promise new pictures of the kiddo soon! Randy just found our camera ;)

Growth...

Well I'm amazed...I have fodder for 2 posts in one day....go fig

Eli went to his 2 month checkup today and has gained 5 pounds since birth. Well actually he was 7.1 when he was born but 6.6 when we brought him home...so more like 5.5lbs. He is now 12 pounds and 23 inches long. He gained 2 pounds and .5in since his last appointment 2 weeks ago. What everyone says is true, they grow up so fast.

They let me hold him while he got his shots. 1 oral vaccine and 2 shots. He was looking right into my eyes when she stuck him the first time and the look of pain and shock was almost too much for me. The second shot pissed him off and man did he cry. The nurse left then and Randy and I cuddled him til he was happy and almost smiling again. Now we have to massage the area and he doesn't appreciate that! I'm going to have to wake him soon and run his leg and give him a little tylenol because he is running a fever. Good news is that we don't have to go back for 2 months. Heck even I haven't had 2 months without a Dr.s appointment...

Speaking of which I have to see my GP tomorrow. Hopefully he will continue to address my headaches and also look into my stomach issues as my neurology appt isn't for another 2 weeks and my GI doc is out of town for at least 2 weeks too. Wish me luck!

Trying to find my "brave" button

I realized that now that I have started a blog, I actually need to update it! My day to day life isn't that exciting, unless you count me kicking booty at Yahtzee.

Now to explain the title, today is Eli's first set of shots. **yikes** I've been promised that he won't remember if it hurts but still he's so little! I am hoping that I will be able to hold him and give him his bottle while they do it. (If she says no, I have been informed to tell her that she is mean) Holding him will keep me from crying and running out of the room. Thank God I will have Randy there.

Speaking of thanking God for a husband....I knew I was in love with Randy from the 1st time I met him (of course it took us 2 more years to meet and admit we were hooked on each other.) I knew he was an amazing man and everything I could wish for. Having a child with him has re-enforced those feelings and expanded them to so much more. Walking into the room and seeing him cuddling our son makes my heart expand so much, sometimes I think I am going to die. He is such an amazing father, so open and loving. Given my life before Randy, I was convinced I would never be happy, never get what I dreamed about and now? I have everything I have ever wanted and so much more. I am a lucky woman.

Ok, it's time to bathe the kiddo to ready him for his adventure. In addition to his shots we are going into daddy's work to show off how big Eli has gotten!