What a weekend to a week...

Well once again San Diego taught this Fraggle so very much...After what could be considered the Christmas from HELL...Randy and I decided that we needed to take me home again but without the drama. So to San Diego we decided to go. At first I wanted to go to Seaworld but with an eye to finances we changed our mind to the Zoo. I put out the call to friends and after a few days plans were set. We would go down and stay at one of my besties, Michalene, and her roomie Diane's house in Lakeside, go to the Zoo, ExtraOrdinary Desserts, Brunch and finally a family dinner with Wendy and crew. We were going to fit all this into one small weekend. And yes, you saw that right...no LaDawna drama...yay.

So Friday morning we left early...well we meant to leave early but with a 1 year old and car payments to make we got on the road a bit later than planned, 10am rather than the 8:30am I wanted. But Eli was still happy to be on the road. With plans at 1pm for coffee we had a rough road ahead. We arrived late but got there to have a fun afternoon with old friends. I spent a good amount of time talking about how happy I was now, I didn't see the little black raincloud hovering (Eeyore style.) Then since our friends had waited and somewhere to be we both parted ways and I headed to another friend and stop two.

There we found another bestie in turmoil. Julie, a friend from forever ago, kids are in major crises. One is trying desperately to kick a bad habit that could take him the way it took me...another although knowing she was still on probation decided to ignore it and tested dirty for bad news. Now a part of her heart may be missing for almost a year. Did anyone see the raincloud get a little bigger?

Finally we made it to "home" for the weekend and had a great night. BBQ and friends. My pain level was out of control from being in the car and stress but I ignored it, I was determined to have fun and be in the moment. The next day we got up and I got the call from LA that my ex-boyfriend and dear friend and his family would make it to the Zoo with my family and Michalene!! YAY! So we got moving but slowly as we had 2 hours to meet them! heehee. So off to WallyWorld to get me sunglasses and pantyhose (for later) and cash for the Zoo. Off we go! At WallyWorld I ask Randy to drop me while he runs for coffee for me...All is well until we discover his ATM was still living at the ATM across town. DOH!

So off we dash back, but *WHATS THIS* good luck...the card was still there? Did that un-noticed cloud get smaller? Herm...So off we go...Is that my cell phone ringing from a LA number? Are they at the Zoo already? Waiting for us? Are we in San Diego and late? Damn.

So we manage traffic and arrive to the Zoo, um, late and park at the butt-end of nowhere. We rush in and meet the family. And have a great day, animals were seen, buses were ridden, skytrams done...The children's zoo explored. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of taking my child to the children's zoo. After fully exhausting the group we head out. We get everyone back to the house for a nap...well except for Eli..he needs no nap...hmm 12 hours no nap....1 year old...no problem right?

So 9pm rolls around. To Extraordinary Desserts we go. Eli drops like a stone in the car...poor kiddo. We get there and the line is out the door...and Eli sleeps snuggled in our aching arms for the hour wait. In line my male best friend, Alik meets up with us. The hope is that 10-12 people will show and I can show off my beautiful baby. But alas there is a competing party that night for a Burner going to Haiti. (hello little black raincloud) We order and get a table and while waiting for our dessert a friend from High School shows up, Sarah, with her daughter. So I check with a waitress and pull another table over (man I had to defend that table with my life LOL) and my dessert comes. Porn should be made from this dessert. Chocolate cake with creme brule and chocolate mousse filling, chocolate fudge frosting with crushed pirouette cookie and almond roca candies on top. OMG it was so good. YUMMY. We all sat and talked it was so fun. No one else showed.

The next morning we met Alik for brunch and returned to Casa Michalene and hung out for the rest of the day. I was supposed to go to Wendy's and hang there but my bat senses were telling me "Warning Danger." It was like a storm could warning. But everything else had gone so well. So at 5:40 we left to go over there for a 6pm dinner meet-up. We got there so close to 6pm that Dan and Tina met us there. I was telling stories and laughing, being me and asking Tina lots of Mason questions. Bob is playing with Eli and Wendy is being odd. She barely touched Eli and flinched when I called her "Grandma." A few times she waved her arms at me the way she does when Korky (her mom) is around and I am being "vulgar" or something in her eyes. I hate it. So I ignored it. We hung out for an hour or so, but it was getting so weird. So Randy said "Uhh lets go get food 'kay." I followed his lead. Wendy followed me to our car and made to say something but I cut her off.

In the car Randy said"Whats the vibe I am picking up on?" I got immediately nervous. I said "With who, who's weird around me?" (At Christmas I was high on pain meds...so I am super nervous) He got quiet because I can usually read stuff better and faster than him. I said "Dan and Tina? Are they mad at me still? (I was told they would never forgive me after X-mas etc)Do they think I am high? Or is it Bob and Wendy? Wendy knows I am clean...Is that why she was shushing me she thinks I'm high?! What?" Randy said "I don't know but I don't..." I interrupted because the last hour hit my bat senses fast and I caught up. I said "I will bring it up over dinner and explain and apologize for Christmas. I will tell them this is me now, that I am hyper 'cuz I'm nervous..." Randy said to do what I thought was best and that he backed me150%

(That little black raincloud followed me all the way to the front door...I could see him out of the corner of my eye now!)
So we get to the restaurant, order drinks and we start talking. Once again after about 5 minutes I get the shush thing again. So loudly I say "What's the deal Wendy, why are you hushing me like Korky is hear, it is pissing me off" Wendy says "You are dominating the conversation, how about letting some other people talk." I said "I'm sorry I thought I drove 4 hours and arranged this dinner so I could catch up and talk...you can see Dan and Tina like everyday." She was like well I'd like to talk to them so just hush. And that is when I got pissed. I said "Wendy do not hush me again I am 31 years old and I refuse to be hushed, I was a drug addict for a long time..." Then she starts yelling "Dammit Dawn stop it, I do not want to hear this, I have things I can say that you do not want to hear, so just be quiet and stop it." Then I said "No Wendy I will not, I wanted to apologize for..."And again she hushed me and said to stop it. I was SO mad I almost walked out. I would have if Dan and Tina hadn't mouthed and asked me to stay. Then she spent time talking about all the things she was going to buy for Mason (my unborn nephew) when she forgot my sons birthday. Of course she has said twice that she can't wait for her "REAL" grandson. The rest of the meal I barely spoke I was so hurt and angry. I have backed Wendy on every play everything since I was old enough to. Yes she has done a lot of amazing stuff for me but there has been a lot of hurt thrown in there too. Now more and more I realize I accepted a lot because I was so focused on how bad my mom was I ignored how messed up our relationship was too. I am so done there. I am done being the "go-between" between her and Dan. I am done reminding her of b-days and anniversaries. I am done accepting crumbs of love and thinly veiled insults. I am done with being the foster daughter when I have been around for more than 20 years. I am done fighting with my bio mom over her when I feel she would feed me to the wolves if she "had" to. It's been done before. The whole ride home I was a wreck. It still hurts.

And then tonight...my bio mom must have smelled blood in the water...because she struck. I'll blog on that one later today. I need a break and a new box of tissues. (Can you still see my little black raincloud?)

Love
Dawn