There was no LaDawna Drama (aka my mom) while in San Diego for the 1st time ever. Yes my mother did not in ANY way influence my trip at all. We didn't call and she didn't pop out of the Tasmanian devil exhibit all wild flinging poo. It was GREAT. But remember that little black raincloud that was plotting against me. Well I think Noah built an Ark for this rain storm.
First background. Short and sweet Mom is a recovering meth addict. Life went to hell in hand basket at 11. Didn't see her much from 11-19. Reconnected with her. She is bi-polar manic depressive and on a great galloping butt load of medications, both prescribed and self prescribed. Going whacko a lot and usually does so on me. Screaming, yelling, name calling, physical crap on both sides. We look for the button to push at ALL times. We have lived together on and off. Always ends bad. She hates Wendy, terribly jealous of her...wants me to say I love her more than Wendy. Kept me from my father. Inherited everything from Grandpa and is almost out of money. Kicked us out at Christmas 3 times. Screamed at me in front of Eli. Views Eli as her "redemption" but called him "that kid" while screaming at me. Denies it all. Drinks. Says awful things and denies it. Only hears what she wants to hear, recreates history. We are bad news together. Her, her house, her stories, her sadness, her life and lack there of, her pressure on me to forgive her for picking meth over me, her sending to me to Phil and Pauline, her collecting welfare while I worked in high school, her throwing away my childhood, ETC ETC ETC AND SO MUCH MORE trigger me wanting to get loaded and sleep. This ruined my sobriety in December (I had not touched and med not prescribed to me in 2 years) and ruined my 1st Christmas with Eli. SO much for shot or
So about 9:30pm I check my e-mail and what does my tiny eye see?!? An e-mail from my mom. All it says it "please call me when you get a chance."
Love, MomNow when we had had fled San Diego and when I came home had cried for a full month and in that month I had removed to talk to her. The whole time I said I was going to write her a letter expressing my boundaries, what I needed in order for us to function. During that month I was trying to write it, and it was coming "Fuck you....you did this <________>" and "Fuck you <_____________> you did that" and "I never want to see you again." End. So I knew this letter needed to be written out of healing not hurting. And I kept saying don't call me I will cal you. So she kept her cool until mid February. Then I got a call saying basically can I send Eli a Valentines Day card. I called back and on VM, "Go ahead, send him a Valentine, birthday card, etc...we are all ok...blah blah....I almost finished the letter...Don't call me I will cal you." That night I get Senorita Psychopath on the phone. Again I let it go to VM. Message go a little something like this (couldn't really tell as it was through SOBBING) "Uhh Dawn, I just can't do this anymore, I don't want to **JUST** send the baby a Valentine and a *Buh-Buh-Buh-Birthday card. I don't know what I did! but I really love you and the baby but I can't wait for this letter anymore. I run for the mailbox everyday. I just for muh-mumumu-me need to end this. Good-buhbuhbuh bye Dawn. Let's end this. Good-Bye." So I let her keep it that way and I did not call back.
Fast fwd 2 weeks. I felt the polarities shift. She calls me AGAIN. This time we chat more ( I am held hostage I believe) and I ask her to give me 2 months (It was Feb 28th) with NO, none, zip, zero, nein, phone contact and we could try and work this out. I said I would send pictures via e-mail and some to Wal-Mart to print. I asked for my baby-pictures to make copies for my Dad. I said I would e-mail but NO (NONONONONONONONONONONONO) phone calls until APRIL 30th, 4-40-10, Avril trente, 2010-4-10....You get it...She didn't. She just kept on calling. And in my head each time she did I added another week to when I would willingly call. Because, YES, I know I could just not answer the fucking phone, but then there the maudlin weepy voicemail. It's the subtle threats in the voicemail. The threats of suicide. The hints of an illness of a friend or family member (I long for the day I can dance on most of my immediate family's grave) And yes hope that she may have rapidly aged (like in the soaps) overnight from 16 to her real time age of 51 going on52.
So she keep calling and I wanted it to stop so I sent an e-mail to hint that her new deadline was May 13. I knew I had my trip to San Diego coming and I DIDN'T want her to know I was coming into town. And I knew I had my trip to Orlando May 10-12 (more on that in a happier post) as if she found out she would try and RUIN that for me too) So I told her I would be traveling with Randy for business (which is true, he will be in Orlando for business. I said that in a lot of these areas there is no cell phone coverage and "roaming" with my phone is hella expensive. So could she "pretty please with a cherry on top" just e-mail me. I got the above e-mail. Since I assumed that she would comply (stupid stupid stupid) I called her. I admit I was grumpy. And off we went.
Me: "What mom?"
Mom: "What do you mean what? Where you ever going to call me or what?"
Me: "Funny when I checked the date today it didn't SAY April 30th....
And to be honest it just went down hill from there. I kept trying to explain that the no phone thing was a boundary. That I needed something, anything to reign in our relationship. My mom is like crack and the phone. No one calls her and she is desperately lonely. She would call me 4 times a day and want to talk for 5 hours a day. So I picked what would be the biggest sacrifice for
her. The one that would show me she was trying the hardest, the one that showed me she cared the most. She claimed she didn't know that I had asked her to wait until the 30th. I only mentioned it EVERY TIME she had called since Febraury 28th but like 50 times in the February 28th conversation. Knowing I was right she moved onto the whole "But you said no matter what I did you would never take Eli away from me." And while I did say this, this was before I A) knew she was drinking again B) She wigged out, called him "that kid" and scared him half to death and C) Randy put his foot down and said she has lost her "Alone with Eli" privies. So I explained that "if we were in town and had time to see her, she would but would NEVER, EVER, NEVER be alone with my son again. OMDFSM. "What do you mean? I will never be allowed to see the baby again? Wh-w-wha-wh-wawhhahhhhhhhWhat do you muhmu-muhmean? WHYYYYYYY (imagine the end, in a keening wail) I explained A, B, and C. I explained that in 13 months she had come to see Eli once and that his PawPaw from Oklahoma had been here 2. He has to fly all day to get here and pay for flight (for 2) and a hotel room. My my can drive in 4 hours and stay with us. Her worst expenditure would be a doggy sitter but her "friend" Kenny would help. We, Randy and I, made the efforts for her to see Eli. Instead of being her, she bought him *stuff.* That's not what he needs. And not what I want for him. So instead of facing what I am saying so goes into her mod is operand...I can't do this how do we split ways. I said "You honestly want to end our "FAMILY" because I am setting a boundary?"
And round and round we went. Me saying one thing, her recreating it her head and repeating it back in "LaDawna speak" so it fit what she wanted to hear and so she could get the outcome she wanted. Her being the martyr and me being the evil bitch child who hurts her and forgets about or:
A) Will never forgive her for being a drug addict, but poor poor her she was abused and will never get over it
I could go on but you get the picture. Nothing is EVER her fault. She kept saying her piece and cutting me off. I let her talk and talk and talk. Finally I screamed "Shut up and let me talk." and she didn't. This went on AGAIN AND AGAIN. Finally again I screamed "S.H.U.T.U.P" I explained the boundary thing again. And again asked for 60 days. And she S.A.I.D.N.O. She said it was too much trouble and that I was simply not worth it. That it would take too much time and energy and that when it was all said and done she knew that I would want more...Have more boundaries....
And she's right...I would have. I would have expected her to act like an adult, like a parent. To let me live my own adult life and to let me be happy. I would have had a list of taboo subjects that we always ended fighting about that would be banned from our conversations so we wouldn't have awful fights ending in us not talking for 5 months because Eli is getting bigger and he would notice if Grandma disappeared for 5 months here in a little while. So she's right I would have wanted more. But as she said, I'm not worth it. Worthless I think she said more than once. A horrible mother...She said "You know you accused me once of threatening to call CPS on you and you just made it up to make yourself look like the tortured victims just like the shit with Alex (Oh that was a Dozy....My friend Alex told me about a conversation he and my mom had. Alex told mom he thought I was pretty smurfy surviving as great as I did. He cited the sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her step-dad, especially (close your eyes if you are squeamish) being raped with a loaded gun. My mom told him that, that never happened to me...it had happened to HER and that I lied..."stole" her story and was telling it to make myself look "cool." Yeah you read that right) Well I could really call them and have him taken away from you. With my friend John (a retired homicide detective) I could maybe even get custody and then I'd decide when and if you got to see him." Umm yeah. That's when I hung up.
So since I'm not worth it...it's done and over with. Let her call. I'm D.O.N.E. So very done. I know I am going to cry my a lot before all this is said and done. I know I have lot of hurt to overcome. Especially feeling what I do about Wendy but I have Eli and Randy....my burner family....my in-laws and of course my Spectator family (without whom I would not survive...thanks ladies.)
Confession may be good for the soul but bad for the sinuses...need more tissue and to cuddle the baby...
Love
Dawn
ps
This is what I need to do to vent, if this hurts you or what not, call me or e-mail me to discuss (unless you are the party in question...then DON'T call)
Fast fwd 2 weeks. I felt the polarities shift. She calls me AGAIN. This time we chat more ( I am held hostage I believe) and I ask her to give me 2 months (It was Feb 28th) with NO, none, zip, zero, nein, phone contact and we could try and work this out. I said I would send pictures via e-mail and some to Wal-Mart to print. I asked for my baby-pictures to make copies for my Dad. I said I would e-mail but NO (NONONONONONONONONONONONO) phone calls until APRIL 30th, 4-40-10, Avril trente, 2010-4-10....You get it...She didn't. She just kept on calling. And in my head each time she did I added another week to when I would willingly call. Because, YES, I know I could just not answer the fucking phone, but then there the maudlin weepy voicemail. It's the subtle threats in the voicemail. The threats of suicide. The hints of an illness of a friend or family member (I long for the day I can dance on most of my immediate family's grave) And yes hope that she may have rapidly aged (like in the soaps) overnight from 16 to her real time age of 51 going on52.
So she keep calling and I wanted it to stop so I sent an e-mail to hint that her new deadline was May 13. I knew I had my trip to San Diego coming and I DIDN'T want her to know I was coming into town. And I knew I had my trip to Orlando May 10-12 (more on that in a happier post) as if she found out she would try and RUIN that for me too) So I told her I would be traveling with Randy for business (which is true, he will be in Orlando for business. I said that in a lot of these areas there is no cell phone coverage and "roaming" with my phone is hella expensive. So could she "pretty please with a cherry on top" just e-mail me. I got the above e-mail. Since I assumed that she would comply (stupid stupid stupid) I called her. I admit I was grumpy. And off we went.
Me: "What mom?"
Mom: "What do you mean what? Where you ever going to call me or what?"
Me: "Funny when I checked the date today it didn't SAY April 30th....
And to be honest it just went down hill from there. I kept trying to explain that the no phone thing was a boundary. That I needed something, anything to reign in our relationship. My mom is like crack and the phone. No one calls her and she is desperately lonely. She would call me 4 times a day and want to talk for 5 hours a day. So I picked what would be the biggest sacrifice for
her. The one that would show me she was trying the hardest, the one that showed me she cared the most. She claimed she didn't know that I had asked her to wait until the 30th. I only mentioned it EVERY TIME she had called since Febraury 28th but like 50 times in the February 28th conversation. Knowing I was right she moved onto the whole "But you said no matter what I did you would never take Eli away from me." And while I did say this, this was before I A) knew she was drinking again B) She wigged out, called him "that kid" and scared him half to death and C) Randy put his foot down and said she has lost her "Alone with Eli" privies. So I explained that "if we were in town and had time to see her, she would but would NEVER, EVER, NEVER be alone with my son again. OMDFSM. "What do you mean? I will never be allowed to see the baby again? Wh-w-wha-wh-wawhhahhhhhhhWhat do you muhmu-muhmean? WHYYYYYYY (imagine the end, in a keening wail) I explained A, B, and C. I explained that in 13 months she had come to see Eli once and that his PawPaw from Oklahoma had been here 2. He has to fly all day to get here and pay for flight (for 2) and a hotel room. My my can drive in 4 hours and stay with us. Her worst expenditure would be a doggy sitter but her "friend" Kenny would help. We, Randy and I, made the efforts for her to see Eli. Instead of being her, she bought him *stuff.* That's not what he needs. And not what I want for him. So instead of facing what I am saying so goes into her mod is operand...I can't do this how do we split ways. I said "You honestly want to end our "FAMILY" because I am setting a boundary?"
And round and round we went. Me saying one thing, her recreating it her head and repeating it back in "LaDawna speak" so it fit what she wanted to hear and so she could get the outcome she wanted. Her being the martyr and me being the evil bitch child who hurts her and forgets about or:
A) Will never forgive her for being a drug addict, but poor poor her she was abused and will never get over it
Me too and by the man who abused her
B) Doesn't understand her, her father and her dog diedUmm he was my grandpa and I've had lots of pets die
C) Didn't have a father until she was 40 and was raised by monstersI almost didn't have a father period. My dad had throat cancer, a quintuple bypass the week my cousins found me. And I spent a good part of my childhood in those same monsters hands, who did the same shit to me, the difference my MOM 100% did know what could happen but sent me there anyway.
D) Is in pain.Life is pain. I have shit going on too. The diff? You've had health insurance constant for years. You could get a health proxy when for 6 years I suffered with NO help.
E) Is crazy.Can't top that one...you can have it. I suffered/suffer from depression but I wake up try and say that today will be good and it usually is.
I could go on but you get the picture. Nothing is EVER her fault. She kept saying her piece and cutting me off. I let her talk and talk and talk. Finally I screamed "Shut up and let me talk." and she didn't. This went on AGAIN AND AGAIN. Finally again I screamed "S.H.U.T.U.P" I explained the boundary thing again. And again asked for 60 days. And she S.A.I.D.N.O. She said it was too much trouble and that I was simply not worth it. That it would take too much time and energy and that when it was all said and done she knew that I would want more...Have more boundaries....
And she's right...I would have. I would have expected her to act like an adult, like a parent. To let me live my own adult life and to let me be happy. I would have had a list of taboo subjects that we always ended fighting about that would be banned from our conversations so we wouldn't have awful fights ending in us not talking for 5 months because Eli is getting bigger and he would notice if Grandma disappeared for 5 months here in a little while. So she's right I would have wanted more. But as she said, I'm not worth it. Worthless I think she said more than once. A horrible mother...She said "You know you accused me once of threatening to call CPS on you and you just made it up to make yourself look like the tortured victims just like the shit with Alex (Oh that was a Dozy....My friend Alex told me about a conversation he and my mom had. Alex told mom he thought I was pretty smurfy surviving as great as I did. He cited the sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her step-dad, especially (close your eyes if you are squeamish) being raped with a loaded gun. My mom told him that, that never happened to me...it had happened to HER and that I lied..."stole" her story and was telling it to make myself look "cool." Yeah you read that right) Well I could really call them and have him taken away from you. With my friend John (a retired homicide detective) I could maybe even get custody and then I'd decide when and if you got to see him." Umm yeah. That's when I hung up.
So since I'm not worth it...it's done and over with. Let her call. I'm D.O.N.E. So very done. I know I am going to cry my a lot before all this is said and done. I know I have lot of hurt to overcome. Especially feeling what I do about Wendy but I have Eli and Randy....my burner family....my in-laws and of course my Spectator family (without whom I would not survive...thanks ladies.)
Confession may be good for the soul but bad for the sinuses...need more tissue and to cuddle the baby...
Love
Dawn
ps
This is what I need to do to vent, if this hurts you or what not, call me or e-mail me to discuss (unless you are the party in question...then DON'T call)
Dear Dawn,
ReplyDeleteWho had it worse games are one of the few things that can really get me to the point of ridiculously angry and ready to lay out the arsenal of verbal and maybe even physical weapons i have at my disposal. I'm glad you see her threats as empty and bullshit.
I love you and I'm sorry I didn't get to see you and Eli while in Vegas.
Much Love,
Liz