I'm sitting up again at 5am pondering the world....and thinking about life. My life, to be specific and all the amazing people and things in it and what pops into my head....but high school. Man I hated that place. It sucked rocks. I never "got" it. I was an outsider in even the outsiders world. My high school was no different than yours, we had all the normal groupings associated with high school...the jocks, the popular people, the geeks, the band geeks, the drama geeks etc etc. I understood how it worked but as a messed up kid from a messed up home I stood outside even of the most basic grouping not knowing where I fit. I was lucky, I had a few friends that I counted on but I got out of dodge as quickly as possible. Everything was about exclusion and "I don't like you for X Y or Z." Not my scene.
College was better and worse as my own personal depression deepened. There the color lines blurred a little, you could be some one new from high school but somehow you still managed to end up boxed into your "your" table at the cafeteria or whatnot. And when a fight happened and you are now living amongst your social peers with nowhere to run, man....Talk about exclusion. Let's say my physical scars run as deep as the emotional. So once again I bolted.
As an adult I lived in my own bubble until one bossy woman drug me out of my shell kicking and screaming and things were ok. Life was fun, I went out....partied.....worked on me a bit. But life still tended to be sanitized....everyone ran still in their little cliques liking some, excluding others based on some imaginary list of what was cool or not. Then in 2002 my mom decided to drag my ass out to a little event out in the desert and my earth shook to it's core.
Burning Man....yeah...I reference it a lot to a lot of people without a ton of explanation. To some it's a kick ass party. 10 days of devil may care fun on a patch of land trying to kill you. And it is. Hell, 30,000+ people from around the world migrate the last week in August to Black Rock Nevada and we create a city that vanishes like footprints in sand. We have a fire department, post office and emergency medical team. City builders, planners, architects and artists flock to make the barren playa come alive. And alive it is. For, although there are many, the basic tenant is "Radical INCLUSION." Yep...you heard me....Inclusion (capitol I.NC.L.U.S.I.O.N).....and there are all types out there. Beautiful, amazing, talented people who not only wave their "freak" flag high, they light it up with el-wire and make it sparkily. You want to dress like a smurf and speak smurfish for 10 days, camp with Smurfville....they'd love to have you. It's amazing. It's awe inspiring. It's painful. Because it's only *10* days. How do you go back to shadow when you've been allowed to shine? So we take our flags and go home....and try desperately to recreate amongst ourselves....the magic for the other 355 days.
And somehow we end up back in high school. Suddenly the magic of the playa dust fades and line of sight clears and for some reason we start remembering how to EXCLUDE. "Well, you're friends with her and I don't like...." And *poof* the cliques form and factions divide. And suddenly the freak flag everyone partied under in the sun looks sad and faded. There are some who rail and rage against this indignity "But what about the smurfs?" we long to call but how do you fight something so *ingrained*? We aren't taught to include others, really. We as humans seem only happy when we are finding some way to tear another of our own down. And then when someone, anyone is at their lowest and alone....the masses move on to the new drama.
It's sad, sad, sad. And I don't know how to fix it. As I mentioned earlier...I'm a messed up kid from a messed up home who's been on the outside looking in for her whole life. All I know is that I worked too damn hard to get out of high school to find myself back excluded from the sun. This is my community, my party, my life and my family too. And frankly I love smurfs.
Hugs
Dawn
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
100%
Last night I was laying in bed (not sleeping as usual) and I started to reflect on the events of the past few weeks. I've been forced to really look at some of the core relationships in my life and I've in truth I haven't liked a lot of what I have seen. I realized that I have a great many relationships in which I accept far less from the other person than what I give in return. Honestly, I had never thought about it much or allowed it to bother me...I just accepted it as being "par for the course." I've always been so hungry and desperate for others love and approval that I would accept anything offered no matter what strings were attached or how disproportionate it was to what I was willing to give. I allowed people to be callous and cruel, to kick me at my lowest and to judge me for all my failures while never acknowledging my successes. I have never thought I deserved any better. When I met and married Randy I slowly started to change my opinion of myself, to see in myself what he sees but it never fully clicked in my head until we had Eli.
We made a vow when Eli was born that NO ONE would be allowed into his world that would not love him 100% and treat him well. We agreed that if we thought anyone was treating him as "less than" someone else we would remove him from the situation and/or remove the offending party from his life. We demand that to know Eli well is to love and nurture him. I know that seems like a hard line or one that's going to be hard to hold onto when he is older. But we both have had times in our lives when we wished people had done this for us. So we're going to do this for him now, while we can. And isn't that what parents do? Wish for their children a better life than what they themselves had? But last night as I laid in bed I started to wonder why can't I apply that same standard to my own life. Why not take the opportunity now to start demanding better relationships for myself? Wouldn't having more honest, loving, and real relationships in my life help to make me a better mom, wife and person? And the more I thought about it, the more the simple answer came to me...YES.
So that's what I'm deciding to do. I'm going to start insisting that the people in my life treat me as I treat them. Sure, some people won't care for the idea but I'm hoping those that don't will fade out and my relationships with those people that DO treat me well will flourish. I know it's going to take time and I'm OK with that. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to demand for myself what I demand for Eli but my sincere hope is that eventually I can get somewhere closer to asking for the 100% everyone deserves out of life.
Hugs
Dawn
We made a vow when Eli was born that NO ONE would be allowed into his world that would not love him 100% and treat him well. We agreed that if we thought anyone was treating him as "less than" someone else we would remove him from the situation and/or remove the offending party from his life. We demand that to know Eli well is to love and nurture him. I know that seems like a hard line or one that's going to be hard to hold onto when he is older. But we both have had times in our lives when we wished people had done this for us. So we're going to do this for him now, while we can. And isn't that what parents do? Wish for their children a better life than what they themselves had? But last night as I laid in bed I started to wonder why can't I apply that same standard to my own life. Why not take the opportunity now to start demanding better relationships for myself? Wouldn't having more honest, loving, and real relationships in my life help to make me a better mom, wife and person? And the more I thought about it, the more the simple answer came to me...YES.
So that's what I'm deciding to do. I'm going to start insisting that the people in my life treat me as I treat them. Sure, some people won't care for the idea but I'm hoping those that don't will fade out and my relationships with those people that DO treat me well will flourish. I know it's going to take time and I'm OK with that. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to demand for myself what I demand for Eli but my sincere hope is that eventually I can get somewhere closer to asking for the 100% everyone deserves out of life.
Hugs
Dawn
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sticks and Stones
So, I've been promising an update in the ongoing saga with my biological mom LaDawna and I'm sorry it has taken me so long to do so. Part of me just has not wanted to relive what happened on Friday afternoon, but I know that I need to put this out "on paper" 1) Because as hard as it is to relive it as I type I always feel better about getting it out of my head and 2) By typing it out while it is fresh in my mind it will be something I can go back to months from now when I might be tempted to waffle on my resolution to never allow this evil back into my life. Sooo here goes nothing.
I figure the best way to handle this is to first explain how I ended up on the phone with her in the first place. And then give a subject by subject description of what was said. I had intended on blocking her telephone number, just as I had blocked her e-mails but since I just had not gotten around to it yet. It was Friday afternoon and Randy had just arrived home from work. We were discussing him helping a friend out for a few minutes when my phone rang. I saw it was her, so I pushed it over to voicemail. When it signaled that she had left a message I checked it. I saved it so here is a word for word transcription of it:
"Change your number brcfraggle. You know I'm the one who got you your car. I'm the one who got you your apartment. Your grandfather thought you were just like Pauline. He really didn't like you. All those things you got I got for you. So don't be thinking he was proud of you because he was not. He really didn't like you at all. So there."
I listened to the VM and had Randy listen to it, while we were checking it this one came in:
"And don't go thinking that your getting anything from my will. Everything has been changed into Tom's name and Jezabelle (my mom's hairdresser) is coming in to get every nicknack and other stuff she wants. My new family. My new daughter, son in law, and grandchildren. So don't think about ever coming here...the flag, the bible everything. It's all being given to Jezabelle."
I honestly didn't know what to say or do, and neither did Randy. We both knew that they were meant to hit me below the belt because I really loved my grandfather but have always been insecure about our relationship and worried that he didn't like me because he wasn't very good at showing it. Also she knows that although I am not terribly material the flag that we were given at his funeral and the family bible mean a lot to me and are both items that I wanted to have to pass on to Eli when he grew up. I was shaken but I knew where this was coming from and even though the phone calls were a surprise it wasn't anything too shocking given her and I's past relationship. Randy was worried she would keep calling but I told him I was ok and to take Eli and go help our friend. A few seconds after he left I got a call from an "unavailable" number and although I was suspicious I still answered the phone and it was her and she was out for blood. I'll start with what she said about my Grandpa.
Grandpa: She started by saying, as she did before, that everything he ever did for me was done on her behalf. That without her he would not have gotten me my car or co-signed for my apartment. She also said that he felt that I was a liar, selfish, whiny and rude. She said that he HATED me and that he wished that I had never contacted him when I was 16. I replied that he never trusted her because of her drug abuse and that she as good as killed him with her insanity. She kept him in sloth by never cleaning the house and complained about the few chores she did do for him. I also said that she robbed him blind and took advantage of his kindness but in return kept him prisoner in his own home. He had COPD and she continued to smoke, had high blood pressure and she fed him high sodium fast food, and he had diabetes and she fed him sugar. We went round and round on Grandpa with her escalating on how much he hated me.
Eli: She said that I was a horrible mother to Eli and that she was going to call CPS on me about him. She said that I beat him, starved him and ignored him. She said she was going to tell him that Randy and I ignored him at Christmas while we sat there and did Ecstasy. She said that she was going to tell them that I ignored him when he was dirty to the point that he had open weeping sores and that I did street drugs while I was pregnant.She also said that she planned on suing for "grandparents rights" to get custody or visitation rights and would tell him that I never wanted him. I told her that Eli was terrified of her and that he cries when he sees her picture and that she would never lay eyes on my child again. (I've already checked and the only way she would ever get any "grandparents rights" is if A) I DIED or B) Randy I divorced (state of CA only) Even then she would still have to prove that she had a relationship with Eli and could provide financial stability and health insurance. On top of that she would have to prove that she is emotionally, mentally and physically stable. Umm, yeah right. So as I said she will never, ever, NEVER lay hands or eyes on Eli again. But I am going off topic.) I also told her that we called her the Sea Witch to Eli and that we were teaching him to scream "Ew EW the sea witch" when he saw pictures of her. I also told her that although we were not going to tell Eli that she was dead he was going to be told about all the evil things she had done to mommy so that he grew up knowing what true evil was.
Randy: In regards to Randy she said that Randy was a ball less, cross dressing faggot with no ability to think for himself. She said he was an asshole that could go fuck himself repeatedly. She lied and said that he talked to her and said that he wished he had never proposed to me and that he wished everyday he could get away. She claimed that he had even said he looked forward to coming to San Diego because then I would fight with her and leave him alone. She said she knew he was a faggot and was amazed that he was able to make a child because he obviously had no balls. She said he was a disgusting cross dresser who got off on wearing my underwear and that everyone she knew laughed at him behind his back. She said that he wasn't a man and that he must have mental problems because he married a sick woman and had some sort of "hero complex." I told her that she was just jealous that I had a man, and that she would never get fucked again if she shoved 100$ bills up her pussy. That she was so fucking ugly I couldn't get her laid with a stolen dick and that she was going to end up alone and sad. She wouldn't know a real man if her life depended on it so who the fuck was she to judge my husband. I also said that she was the one fucked in the head to see something wrong with a man who wants to stand by his woman and want to save her.
Me: My mother called me whore, slut, cunt, bitch, bastard, liar, cheat, selfish, ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, disgusting, useless, a waste of time, nasty, lazy, whiny, tramp, sleazy, junkie, crackhead, user and easy. I'm sure I missed a few in there. She said I made up everything in my life to get sympathy. She said I was never molested or beaten by her step-father. She said that I told her friend Kenny that I had been molested by her real father (the grandfather I love so much.) She said that I had never lost a baby and miscarried alone. She said that I gave blow jobs to every man I met and that's how I had so many male friends. She threatened to call or e-mail of my friends that are in serious relationships and tell them that I had blown their husbands/boyfriends and laughed about it. She said that she was going to call Randy and tell him that I had cheated on him about the time I got pregnant with Eli and that he was probably not Randy's son. She said that I dressed like a whore at Burning Man and that it disgusted everyone because I was too fat to do so. She called me a dirty cunt, over and over again. She said that I was so disgusting when I was fat that she was ashamed to take me places and used to laugh with people about how disgusting I was. She said I faked all of my medical problems, including the ulcers that sent me into emergency surgery and the DVT, just to get attention. She said she lost friends because I was such a slut. She said that she was going to call every hospital and doctor here in Vegas and tell them I was an addict and to cut me off all medication I countered telling her that if I was a slut I learned it from the best and asked her how many abortions did she have as birth control. I went for a low blow and said that she had seduced her step-father and had never been molested by him either (I know...not cool) I said I would call the cops and report her for any illegal activity she might be doing still. I said that I would turn her in for SS fraud and for welfare fraud from when I was a kid. I said that I would make sure everyone in her life would suffer for being her friend if I could. I called her a whore for all the men I know she slept with and a monster for sending me to live with a man she knew could hurt me. I called her as many names as she called me and fought back tit for tat.
Nearly 2 hours had passed when Randy finally came home, he said he could hear me on the stairs yelling. I forget what finally ended the conversation but I believe she hung up on me. She says she has a new family now, and I wish them well. I don't ever plan on seeing or speaking to that woman again. Words can hurt. I'm no angel and I said awful evil things too so in all honesty we should never forgive each other and I'm going to make damn sure it stays that way.
Right now all I want to do is close the door on this and find my way back to happy. Luckily I have been able to stay sober through it all and not succumb to the temptation of abusing drugs or alcohol and I am really happy about that. I have all my friends and real family to thank for that. Thanks to you all for sticking with me and sending me all the love and happy vibes!!
Love
Dawn
I figure the best way to handle this is to first explain how I ended up on the phone with her in the first place. And then give a subject by subject description of what was said. I had intended on blocking her telephone number, just as I had blocked her e-mails but since I just had not gotten around to it yet. It was Friday afternoon and Randy had just arrived home from work. We were discussing him helping a friend out for a few minutes when my phone rang. I saw it was her, so I pushed it over to voicemail. When it signaled that she had left a message I checked it. I saved it so here is a word for word transcription of it:
"Change your number brcfraggle. You know I'm the one who got you your car. I'm the one who got you your apartment. Your grandfather thought you were just like Pauline. He really didn't like you. All those things you got I got for you. So don't be thinking he was proud of you because he was not. He really didn't like you at all. So there."
I listened to the VM and had Randy listen to it, while we were checking it this one came in:
"And don't go thinking that your getting anything from my will. Everything has been changed into Tom's name and Jezabelle (my mom's hairdresser) is coming in to get every nicknack and other stuff she wants. My new family. My new daughter, son in law, and grandchildren. So don't think about ever coming here...the flag, the bible everything. It's all being given to Jezabelle."
I honestly didn't know what to say or do, and neither did Randy. We both knew that they were meant to hit me below the belt because I really loved my grandfather but have always been insecure about our relationship and worried that he didn't like me because he wasn't very good at showing it. Also she knows that although I am not terribly material the flag that we were given at his funeral and the family bible mean a lot to me and are both items that I wanted to have to pass on to Eli when he grew up. I was shaken but I knew where this was coming from and even though the phone calls were a surprise it wasn't anything too shocking given her and I's past relationship. Randy was worried she would keep calling but I told him I was ok and to take Eli and go help our friend. A few seconds after he left I got a call from an "unavailable" number and although I was suspicious I still answered the phone and it was her and she was out for blood. I'll start with what she said about my Grandpa.
Grandpa: She started by saying, as she did before, that everything he ever did for me was done on her behalf. That without her he would not have gotten me my car or co-signed for my apartment. She also said that he felt that I was a liar, selfish, whiny and rude. She said that he HATED me and that he wished that I had never contacted him when I was 16. I replied that he never trusted her because of her drug abuse and that she as good as killed him with her insanity. She kept him in sloth by never cleaning the house and complained about the few chores she did do for him. I also said that she robbed him blind and took advantage of his kindness but in return kept him prisoner in his own home. He had COPD and she continued to smoke, had high blood pressure and she fed him high sodium fast food, and he had diabetes and she fed him sugar. We went round and round on Grandpa with her escalating on how much he hated me.
Eli: She said that I was a horrible mother to Eli and that she was going to call CPS on me about him. She said that I beat him, starved him and ignored him. She said she was going to tell him that Randy and I ignored him at Christmas while we sat there and did Ecstasy. She said that she was going to tell them that I ignored him when he was dirty to the point that he had open weeping sores and that I did street drugs while I was pregnant.She also said that she planned on suing for "grandparents rights" to get custody or visitation rights and would tell him that I never wanted him. I told her that Eli was terrified of her and that he cries when he sees her picture and that she would never lay eyes on my child again. (I've already checked and the only way she would ever get any "grandparents rights" is if A) I DIED or B) Randy I divorced (state of CA only) Even then she would still have to prove that she had a relationship with Eli and could provide financial stability and health insurance. On top of that she would have to prove that she is emotionally, mentally and physically stable. Umm, yeah right. So as I said she will never, ever, NEVER lay hands or eyes on Eli again. But I am going off topic.) I also told her that we called her the Sea Witch to Eli and that we were teaching him to scream "Ew EW the sea witch" when he saw pictures of her. I also told her that although we were not going to tell Eli that she was dead he was going to be told about all the evil things she had done to mommy so that he grew up knowing what true evil was.
Randy: In regards to Randy she said that Randy was a ball less, cross dressing faggot with no ability to think for himself. She said he was an asshole that could go fuck himself repeatedly. She lied and said that he talked to her and said that he wished he had never proposed to me and that he wished everyday he could get away. She claimed that he had even said he looked forward to coming to San Diego because then I would fight with her and leave him alone. She said she knew he was a faggot and was amazed that he was able to make a child because he obviously had no balls. She said he was a disgusting cross dresser who got off on wearing my underwear and that everyone she knew laughed at him behind his back. She said that he wasn't a man and that he must have mental problems because he married a sick woman and had some sort of "hero complex." I told her that she was just jealous that I had a man, and that she would never get fucked again if she shoved 100$ bills up her pussy. That she was so fucking ugly I couldn't get her laid with a stolen dick and that she was going to end up alone and sad. She wouldn't know a real man if her life depended on it so who the fuck was she to judge my husband. I also said that she was the one fucked in the head to see something wrong with a man who wants to stand by his woman and want to save her.
Me: My mother called me whore, slut, cunt, bitch, bastard, liar, cheat, selfish, ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, disgusting, useless, a waste of time, nasty, lazy, whiny, tramp, sleazy, junkie, crackhead, user and easy. I'm sure I missed a few in there. She said I made up everything in my life to get sympathy. She said I was never molested or beaten by her step-father. She said that I told her friend Kenny that I had been molested by her real father (the grandfather I love so much.) She said that I had never lost a baby and miscarried alone. She said that I gave blow jobs to every man I met and that's how I had so many male friends. She threatened to call or e-mail of my friends that are in serious relationships and tell them that I had blown their husbands/boyfriends and laughed about it. She said that she was going to call Randy and tell him that I had cheated on him about the time I got pregnant with Eli and that he was probably not Randy's son. She said that I dressed like a whore at Burning Man and that it disgusted everyone because I was too fat to do so. She called me a dirty cunt, over and over again. She said that I was so disgusting when I was fat that she was ashamed to take me places and used to laugh with people about how disgusting I was. She said I faked all of my medical problems, including the ulcers that sent me into emergency surgery and the DVT, just to get attention. She said she lost friends because I was such a slut. She said that she was going to call every hospital and doctor here in Vegas and tell them I was an addict and to cut me off all medication I countered telling her that if I was a slut I learned it from the best and asked her how many abortions did she have as birth control. I went for a low blow and said that she had seduced her step-father and had never been molested by him either (I know...not cool) I said I would call the cops and report her for any illegal activity she might be doing still. I said that I would turn her in for SS fraud and for welfare fraud from when I was a kid. I said that I would make sure everyone in her life would suffer for being her friend if I could. I called her a whore for all the men I know she slept with and a monster for sending me to live with a man she knew could hurt me. I called her as many names as she called me and fought back tit for tat.
Nearly 2 hours had passed when Randy finally came home, he said he could hear me on the stairs yelling. I forget what finally ended the conversation but I believe she hung up on me. She says she has a new family now, and I wish them well. I don't ever plan on seeing or speaking to that woman again. Words can hurt. I'm no angel and I said awful evil things too so in all honesty we should never forgive each other and I'm going to make damn sure it stays that way.
Right now all I want to do is close the door on this and find my way back to happy. Luckily I have been able to stay sober through it all and not succumb to the temptation of abusing drugs or alcohol and I am really happy about that. I have all my friends and real family to thank for that. Thanks to you all for sticking with me and sending me all the love and happy vibes!!
Love
Dawn
Saturday, April 24, 2010
About her leaving me alone...
I was wrong.....so very very wrong. Of course I was more wrong about being free. I'll fill in the gaps later but....all I can say is "ow"
Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn
Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn
Friday, April 23, 2010
The evil vengence monkey rides...
So day 3 on little to no sleep and I can't say I am holding up well. My pain level is out of sight and I am worn to the bone. My head is pounding, the neck is so stiff I could double as a hat rack, the stomach ulcers are churning, I'm throwing up (what little food I can manage to get down in the first place), I have NO appetite, I'm dizzy and weak. I know a lot of all that has to do with the small amount of food, water and sleep I am getting but seriously I am starting to feel like I got ran over by a 26 wheeler. I know breaking up is hard to do, but breaking up with a parent is really rough, especially when you know that parent is mentally ill and plays dirty dirty mind games.
So yesterday afternoon I was on my 6 roll of toilet paper (I ran out of tissues to blow my nose and wipe away the tears) and Randy was still at work and Eli was napping so I was kicking back on the couch watching some mindless TV when I noticed that my mail icon was blinking on Gertrude (my laptop...I name inanimate objects :D) So I clicked on and this is what I read :
So yesterday afternoon I was on my 6 roll of toilet paper (I ran out of tissues to blow my nose and wipe away the tears) and Randy was still at work and Eli was napping so I was kicking back on the couch watching some mindless TV when I noticed that my mail icon was blinking on Gertrude (my laptop...I name inanimate objects :D) So I clicked on and this is what I read :
"just wanted to let you know that johns teacher for polygraphs is coming to town and has agreed to do a test on me.it will be about xmas only. if you dont care to see the truth im sure someone will. he is a certified expert he can testify in court and the results are 98.8 accurate. we'll see if i'm such a liar...this wont change anything but at least you'll see that i might have been drinking but not around eli. and you on the other hand we're doing plenty of trazadone ectasy and ocs. like calling the kettle black i'd say."
So I called Randy at work and read him the letter. We both considered what to do, I could ignore it, block her address and move on. This is not only a reasonable option, it is the mature option and probably the one best for my mental state. But I am not dealing with a mature, reasonable person here. I am dealing with a woman who despite the fact that she is chronologically 51 mentally and socially she is 16. So what would you average 16 year old do if she goaded you and you ignored her...she would continue to pester, plague and annoy you until you gave her some sort of attention GOOD or BAD. But see my mom can do more....She would register a new e-mail address (she's done it before) and another and another and another. Or she would use her friends. If I blocked her IP address, she would use the libraries computers or an Internet cafe or her phone or her friends. And when THAT didn't work she would call me OVER and OVER and OVER. When I turned off my phone, she would call Randy. When we blocked her number she would call our apartment building, Randy at work, our friends....then she would block her number and call us from an unavailable number. Then we would change our numbers, despite having had them for years and potentially losing contacts we met at Burning Man from all over the world. The she would come out here and look for us, show up at Randy's work...call the police...report me missing. Oh yes...she would do ALL that over one ignored e-mail. So better to play her game but just to be better at it. I'm warning you guys this is not going to paint me in the nicest light....but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. So this is the exchange from e-mail #1 to e-mail #4. Her words are in Orange mine are in Purple. Needless to say, I think she is going to leave me alone for a little while....
#1:
#1:
just wanted to let you know that johns teacher for polygraphs is coming to town and has agreed to do a test on me.it will be about xmas only. if you dont care to see the truth im sure someone will. he is a certified expert he can testify in court and the results are 98.8 accurate. we'll see if i'm such a liar...this wont change anything but at least you'll see that i might have been drinking but not around eli. and you on the other hand we're doing plenty of trazadone ectasy and ocs. like calling the kettle black i'd say.
I'm sorry, who are you? You must have the wrong e-mail address. I don't know anyone named, LaDawna or Jon. Or why you would be offering to take a polygraph about Christmas. Please do not contact me at this address again talking about drugs.
Thank you.
#2.
i knew my father better than anyone those last years and he would be so ashamed of you
Listen, I don't know who you are but I imagine your father would not want you bothering someone who doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
Have a nice life.
#3. (this one came in at like 10pm, I decided to just end it)
ok play the i dont know you game but i hope you relize you have serious mental probalms. it runs in the women side of the family and by the sick obscene things you said last nite i relize you are in trouble. please call a mental health group in your area as i have. or the problem will never end. please
Ok lady...I've been trying to be nice, but I guess subtle doesn't work on your type. Although the advice about getting some help is touching...mental health advice from you is pretty laughable. Wasn't it you a couple of e-mails ago offering to take a polygraph to defend your virtue of not drinking around Eli when there were multiple witnesses there to see you mixing the drinks?
Then you mentioned how proud your father would be of you. You father would proud of a 51 year old shut in who in less than 5 years has spent every penny he took a lifetime to save, wrecked a car he took meticulous care of, and sold a home he had lived in for 35 years in a short "fire sale." Now that all that money is gone you continue to mooch off the social security system that you have never put a single hour of work into, you take and sell opiate drugs not caring who gets hurt as long as you get some money to feed your shopping addiction because you have to buy your friends, and the dog he bought you is gone because you over-fed him to death. Yes I bet your father is bursting with pride. Whereas me, yes I was a pill-popping addict but in those same 5 years I completed a ROP program, graduated and passed the state licensing, I met, married and made a child with a GOOD man who treats me like a queen. I took care of my health problems mental, physical and emotional and am now on a sober if not 100% clean path. I carried a beautiful boy to nearly full term and he is hale and hearty, happy and brilliant. He is at the 95Th percentile of height and weight and scores at a 4 year old level for fine motor skills. Yeah your dad would loathe me and be so ashamed to call me family.
So I don't really know why I bothered to acknowledge your messages. Probably because I am PERMANENTLY estranged from my mom. She's insane. Actually she's fucking nuts. And you remind me of her. But yes mental illness does run in our maternal side but it will usually show up by 30..31 by the latest. I was tested, and I am a-mutha-fucking-a-ok, no thanks to a warm and fuzzy childhood provided by my mom right? Yessiree I actually lucked out on this one. It skips a generation. So great grandma Polly: Stark raving MAD....Pauline: plain old bitch...a cast iron one...but still not insane Mom:Stark raving mad to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL..I mean they should write a BOOK....plus cast iron bitch plus...ah never mind...Then me...the last female for awhile....the end of the cycle: bitch. So I'm going to hope after this you will leave me alone because I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE and I hope my mom gets it too. I am going to change my e-mail address after all this. My phone number is already changed, so don't bother. And if anyone should decide to wander this way, the gates will be locked...we don't live there anymore. Seriously...Have a nice life. I know I will. I'm free.
#4 This one's subject read Pictures of Eli and Dawn
I love you and the baby
The management has requested that you no longer attempt to contact anyone in the Winsett household anymore. Thank you.
And after that it's been quiet. Oh God I hope it lasts. being cruel like that hurt me more that it will hurt her but I gave her what she wanted, I sunk to her level and I let her be the martyr. I just ****hated**** doing it. It made me feel dirty. So much so I need to shower again just copying and pasting it all over. Thanks for listening and please don't think poorly of me for doing this, it truly is self preservation.
Love,
Dawn
I'm sorry, who are you? You must have the wrong e-mail address. I don't know anyone named, LaDawna or Jon. Or why you would be offering to take a polygraph about Christmas. Please do not contact me at this address again talking about drugs.
Thank you.
#2.
i knew my father better than anyone those last years and he would be so ashamed of you
Listen, I don't know who you are but I imagine your father would not want you bothering someone who doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
Have a nice life.
#3. (this one came in at like 10pm, I decided to just end it)
ok play the i dont know you game but i hope you relize you have serious mental probalms. it runs in the women side of the family and by the sick obscene things you said last nite i relize you are in trouble. please call a mental health group in your area as i have. or the problem will never end. please
Ok lady...I've been trying to be nice, but I guess subtle doesn't work on your type. Although the advice about getting some help is touching...mental health advice from you is pretty laughable. Wasn't it you a couple of e-mails ago offering to take a polygraph to defend your virtue of not drinking around Eli when there were multiple witnesses there to see you mixing the drinks?
Then you mentioned how proud your father would be of you. You father would proud of a 51 year old shut in who in less than 5 years has spent every penny he took a lifetime to save, wrecked a car he took meticulous care of, and sold a home he had lived in for 35 years in a short "fire sale." Now that all that money is gone you continue to mooch off the social security system that you have never put a single hour of work into, you take and sell opiate drugs not caring who gets hurt as long as you get some money to feed your shopping addiction because you have to buy your friends, and the dog he bought you is gone because you over-fed him to death. Yes I bet your father is bursting with pride. Whereas me, yes I was a pill-popping addict but in those same 5 years I completed a ROP program, graduated and passed the state licensing, I met, married and made a child with a GOOD man who treats me like a queen. I took care of my health problems mental, physical and emotional and am now on a sober if not 100% clean path. I carried a beautiful boy to nearly full term and he is hale and hearty, happy and brilliant. He is at the 95Th percentile of height and weight and scores at a 4 year old level for fine motor skills. Yeah your dad would loathe me and be so ashamed to call me family.
So I don't really know why I bothered to acknowledge your messages. Probably because I am PERMANENTLY estranged from my mom. She's insane. Actually she's fucking nuts. And you remind me of her. But yes mental illness does run in our maternal side but it will usually show up by 30..31 by the latest. I was tested, and I am a-mutha-fucking-a-ok, no thanks to a warm and fuzzy childhood provided by my mom right? Yessiree I actually lucked out on this one. It skips a generation. So great grandma Polly: Stark raving MAD....Pauline: plain old bitch...a cast iron one...but still not insane Mom:Stark raving mad to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL..I mean they should write a BOOK....plus cast iron bitch plus...ah never mind...Then me...the last female for awhile....the end of the cycle: bitch. So I'm going to hope after this you will leave me alone because I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE and I hope my mom gets it too. I am going to change my e-mail address after all this. My phone number is already changed, so don't bother. And if anyone should decide to wander this way, the gates will be locked...we don't live there anymore. Seriously...Have a nice life. I know I will. I'm free.
#4 This one's subject read Pictures of Eli and Dawn
I love you and the baby
The management has requested that you no longer attempt to contact anyone in the Winsett household anymore. Thank you.
And after that it's been quiet. Oh God I hope it lasts. being cruel like that hurt me more that it will hurt her but I gave her what she wanted, I sunk to her level and I let her be the martyr. I just ****hated**** doing it. It made me feel dirty. So much so I need to shower again just copying and pasting it all over. Thanks for listening and please don't think poorly of me for doing this, it truly is self preservation.
Love,
Dawn
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Blood in the Water...
So here's part 2 of my own personal hell....
There was no LaDawna Drama (aka my mom) while in San Diego for the 1st time ever. Yes my mother did not in ANY way influence my trip at all. We didn't call and she didn't pop out of the Tasmanian devil exhibit all wild flinging poo. It was GREAT. But remember that little black raincloud that was plotting against me. Well I think Noah built an Ark for this rain storm.
There was no LaDawna Drama (aka my mom) while in San Diego for the 1st time ever. Yes my mother did not in ANY way influence my trip at all. We didn't call and she didn't pop out of the Tasmanian devil exhibit all wild flinging poo. It was GREAT. But remember that little black raincloud that was plotting against me. Well I think Noah built an Ark for this rain storm.
First background. Short and sweet Mom is a recovering meth addict. Life went to hell in hand basket at 11. Didn't see her much from 11-19. Reconnected with her. She is bi-polar manic depressive and on a great galloping butt load of medications, both prescribed and self prescribed. Going whacko a lot and usually does so on me. Screaming, yelling, name calling, physical crap on both sides. We look for the button to push at ALL times. We have lived together on and off. Always ends bad. She hates Wendy, terribly jealous of her...wants me to say I love her more than Wendy. Kept me from my father. Inherited everything from Grandpa and is almost out of money. Kicked us out at Christmas 3 times. Screamed at me in front of Eli. Views Eli as her "redemption" but called him "that kid" while screaming at me. Denies it all. Drinks. Says awful things and denies it. Only hears what she wants to hear, recreates history. We are bad news together. Her, her house, her stories, her sadness, her life and lack there of, her pressure on me to forgive her for picking meth over me, her sending to me to Phil and Pauline, her collecting welfare while I worked in high school, her throwing away my childhood, ETC ETC ETC AND SO MUCH MORE trigger me wanting to get loaded and sleep. This ruined my sobriety in December (I had not touched and med not prescribed to me in 2 years) and ruined my 1st Christmas with Eli. SO much for shot or
So about 9:30pm I check my e-mail and what does my tiny eye see?!? An e-mail from my mom. All it says it "please call me when you get a chance."
Love, MomNow when we had had fled San Diego and when I came home had cried for a full month and in that month I had removed to talk to her. The whole time I said I was going to write her a letter expressing my boundaries, what I needed in order for us to function. During that month I was trying to write it, and it was coming "Fuck you....you did this <________>" and "Fuck you <_____________> you did that" and "I never want to see you again." End. So I knew this letter needed to be written out of healing not hurting. And I kept saying don't call me I will cal you. So she kept her cool until mid February. Then I got a call saying basically can I send Eli a Valentines Day card. I called back and on VM, "Go ahead, send him a Valentine, birthday card, etc...we are all ok...blah blah....I almost finished the letter...Don't call me I will cal you." That night I get Senorita Psychopath on the phone. Again I let it go to VM. Message go a little something like this (couldn't really tell as it was through SOBBING) "Uhh Dawn, I just can't do this anymore, I don't want to **JUST** send the baby a Valentine and a *Buh-Buh-Buh-Birthday card. I don't know what I did! but I really love you and the baby but I can't wait for this letter anymore. I run for the mailbox everyday. I just for muh-mumumu-me need to end this. Good-buhbuhbuh bye Dawn. Let's end this. Good-Bye." So I let her keep it that way and I did not call back.
Fast fwd 2 weeks. I felt the polarities shift. She calls me AGAIN. This time we chat more ( I am held hostage I believe) and I ask her to give me 2 months (It was Feb 28th) with NO, none, zip, zero, nein, phone contact and we could try and work this out. I said I would send pictures via e-mail and some to Wal-Mart to print. I asked for my baby-pictures to make copies for my Dad. I said I would e-mail but NO (NONONONONONONONONONONONO) phone calls until APRIL 30th, 4-40-10, Avril trente, 2010-4-10....You get it...She didn't. She just kept on calling. And in my head each time she did I added another week to when I would willingly call. Because, YES, I know I could just not answer the fucking phone, but then there the maudlin weepy voicemail. It's the subtle threats in the voicemail. The threats of suicide. The hints of an illness of a friend or family member (I long for the day I can dance on most of my immediate family's grave) And yes hope that she may have rapidly aged (like in the soaps) overnight from 16 to her real time age of 51 going on52.
So she keep calling and I wanted it to stop so I sent an e-mail to hint that her new deadline was May 13. I knew I had my trip to San Diego coming and I DIDN'T want her to know I was coming into town. And I knew I had my trip to Orlando May 10-12 (more on that in a happier post) as if she found out she would try and RUIN that for me too) So I told her I would be traveling with Randy for business (which is true, he will be in Orlando for business. I said that in a lot of these areas there is no cell phone coverage and "roaming" with my phone is hella expensive. So could she "pretty please with a cherry on top" just e-mail me. I got the above e-mail. Since I assumed that she would comply (stupid stupid stupid) I called her. I admit I was grumpy. And off we went.
Me: "What mom?"
Mom: "What do you mean what? Where you ever going to call me or what?"
Me: "Funny when I checked the date today it didn't SAY April 30th....
And to be honest it just went down hill from there. I kept trying to explain that the no phone thing was a boundary. That I needed something, anything to reign in our relationship. My mom is like crack and the phone. No one calls her and she is desperately lonely. She would call me 4 times a day and want to talk for 5 hours a day. So I picked what would be the biggest sacrifice for
her. The one that would show me she was trying the hardest, the one that showed me she cared the most. She claimed she didn't know that I had asked her to wait until the 30th. I only mentioned it EVERY TIME she had called since Febraury 28th but like 50 times in the February 28th conversation. Knowing I was right she moved onto the whole "But you said no matter what I did you would never take Eli away from me." And while I did say this, this was before I A) knew she was drinking again B) She wigged out, called him "that kid" and scared him half to death and C) Randy put his foot down and said she has lost her "Alone with Eli" privies. So I explained that "if we were in town and had time to see her, she would but would NEVER, EVER, NEVER be alone with my son again. OMDFSM. "What do you mean? I will never be allowed to see the baby again? Wh-w-wha-wh-wawhhahhhhhhhWhat do you muhmu-muhmean? WHYYYYYYY (imagine the end, in a keening wail) I explained A, B, and C. I explained that in 13 months she had come to see Eli once and that his PawPaw from Oklahoma had been here 2. He has to fly all day to get here and pay for flight (for 2) and a hotel room. My my can drive in 4 hours and stay with us. Her worst expenditure would be a doggy sitter but her "friend" Kenny would help. We, Randy and I, made the efforts for her to see Eli. Instead of being her, she bought him *stuff.* That's not what he needs. And not what I want for him. So instead of facing what I am saying so goes into her mod is operand...I can't do this how do we split ways. I said "You honestly want to end our "FAMILY" because I am setting a boundary?"
And round and round we went. Me saying one thing, her recreating it her head and repeating it back in "LaDawna speak" so it fit what she wanted to hear and so she could get the outcome she wanted. Her being the martyr and me being the evil bitch child who hurts her and forgets about or:
A) Will never forgive her for being a drug addict, but poor poor her she was abused and will never get over it
I could go on but you get the picture. Nothing is EVER her fault. She kept saying her piece and cutting me off. I let her talk and talk and talk. Finally I screamed "Shut up and let me talk." and she didn't. This went on AGAIN AND AGAIN. Finally again I screamed "S.H.U.T.U.P" I explained the boundary thing again. And again asked for 60 days. And she S.A.I.D.N.O. She said it was too much trouble and that I was simply not worth it. That it would take too much time and energy and that when it was all said and done she knew that I would want more...Have more boundaries....
And she's right...I would have. I would have expected her to act like an adult, like a parent. To let me live my own adult life and to let me be happy. I would have had a list of taboo subjects that we always ended fighting about that would be banned from our conversations so we wouldn't have awful fights ending in us not talking for 5 months because Eli is getting bigger and he would notice if Grandma disappeared for 5 months here in a little while. So she's right I would have wanted more. But as she said, I'm not worth it. Worthless I think she said more than once. A horrible mother...She said "You know you accused me once of threatening to call CPS on you and you just made it up to make yourself look like the tortured victims just like the shit with Alex (Oh that was a Dozy....My friend Alex told me about a conversation he and my mom had. Alex told mom he thought I was pretty smurfy surviving as great as I did. He cited the sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her step-dad, especially (close your eyes if you are squeamish) being raped with a loaded gun. My mom told him that, that never happened to me...it had happened to HER and that I lied..."stole" her story and was telling it to make myself look "cool." Yeah you read that right) Well I could really call them and have him taken away from you. With my friend John (a retired homicide detective) I could maybe even get custody and then I'd decide when and if you got to see him." Umm yeah. That's when I hung up.
So since I'm not worth it...it's done and over with. Let her call. I'm D.O.N.E. So very done. I know I am going to cry my a lot before all this is said and done. I know I have lot of hurt to overcome. Especially feeling what I do about Wendy but I have Eli and Randy....my burner family....my in-laws and of course my Spectator family (without whom I would not survive...thanks ladies.)
Confession may be good for the soul but bad for the sinuses...need more tissue and to cuddle the baby...
Love
Dawn
ps
This is what I need to do to vent, if this hurts you or what not, call me or e-mail me to discuss (unless you are the party in question...then DON'T call)
Fast fwd 2 weeks. I felt the polarities shift. She calls me AGAIN. This time we chat more ( I am held hostage I believe) and I ask her to give me 2 months (It was Feb 28th) with NO, none, zip, zero, nein, phone contact and we could try and work this out. I said I would send pictures via e-mail and some to Wal-Mart to print. I asked for my baby-pictures to make copies for my Dad. I said I would e-mail but NO (NONONONONONONONONONONONO) phone calls until APRIL 30th, 4-40-10, Avril trente, 2010-4-10....You get it...She didn't. She just kept on calling. And in my head each time she did I added another week to when I would willingly call. Because, YES, I know I could just not answer the fucking phone, but then there the maudlin weepy voicemail. It's the subtle threats in the voicemail. The threats of suicide. The hints of an illness of a friend or family member (I long for the day I can dance on most of my immediate family's grave) And yes hope that she may have rapidly aged (like in the soaps) overnight from 16 to her real time age of 51 going on52.
So she keep calling and I wanted it to stop so I sent an e-mail to hint that her new deadline was May 13. I knew I had my trip to San Diego coming and I DIDN'T want her to know I was coming into town. And I knew I had my trip to Orlando May 10-12 (more on that in a happier post) as if she found out she would try and RUIN that for me too) So I told her I would be traveling with Randy for business (which is true, he will be in Orlando for business. I said that in a lot of these areas there is no cell phone coverage and "roaming" with my phone is hella expensive. So could she "pretty please with a cherry on top" just e-mail me. I got the above e-mail. Since I assumed that she would comply (stupid stupid stupid) I called her. I admit I was grumpy. And off we went.
Me: "What mom?"
Mom: "What do you mean what? Where you ever going to call me or what?"
Me: "Funny when I checked the date today it didn't SAY April 30th....
And to be honest it just went down hill from there. I kept trying to explain that the no phone thing was a boundary. That I needed something, anything to reign in our relationship. My mom is like crack and the phone. No one calls her and she is desperately lonely. She would call me 4 times a day and want to talk for 5 hours a day. So I picked what would be the biggest sacrifice for
her. The one that would show me she was trying the hardest, the one that showed me she cared the most. She claimed she didn't know that I had asked her to wait until the 30th. I only mentioned it EVERY TIME she had called since Febraury 28th but like 50 times in the February 28th conversation. Knowing I was right she moved onto the whole "But you said no matter what I did you would never take Eli away from me." And while I did say this, this was before I A) knew she was drinking again B) She wigged out, called him "that kid" and scared him half to death and C) Randy put his foot down and said she has lost her "Alone with Eli" privies. So I explained that "if we were in town and had time to see her, she would but would NEVER, EVER, NEVER be alone with my son again. OMDFSM. "What do you mean? I will never be allowed to see the baby again? Wh-w-wha-wh-wawhhahhhhhhhWhat do you muhmu-muhmean? WHYYYYYYY (imagine the end, in a keening wail) I explained A, B, and C. I explained that in 13 months she had come to see Eli once and that his PawPaw from Oklahoma had been here 2. He has to fly all day to get here and pay for flight (for 2) and a hotel room. My my can drive in 4 hours and stay with us. Her worst expenditure would be a doggy sitter but her "friend" Kenny would help. We, Randy and I, made the efforts for her to see Eli. Instead of being her, she bought him *stuff.* That's not what he needs. And not what I want for him. So instead of facing what I am saying so goes into her mod is operand...I can't do this how do we split ways. I said "You honestly want to end our "FAMILY" because I am setting a boundary?"
And round and round we went. Me saying one thing, her recreating it her head and repeating it back in "LaDawna speak" so it fit what she wanted to hear and so she could get the outcome she wanted. Her being the martyr and me being the evil bitch child who hurts her and forgets about or:
A) Will never forgive her for being a drug addict, but poor poor her she was abused and will never get over it
Me too and by the man who abused her
B) Doesn't understand her, her father and her dog diedUmm he was my grandpa and I've had lots of pets die
C) Didn't have a father until she was 40 and was raised by monstersI almost didn't have a father period. My dad had throat cancer, a quintuple bypass the week my cousins found me. And I spent a good part of my childhood in those same monsters hands, who did the same shit to me, the difference my MOM 100% did know what could happen but sent me there anyway.
D) Is in pain.Life is pain. I have shit going on too. The diff? You've had health insurance constant for years. You could get a health proxy when for 6 years I suffered with NO help.
E) Is crazy.Can't top that one...you can have it. I suffered/suffer from depression but I wake up try and say that today will be good and it usually is.
I could go on but you get the picture. Nothing is EVER her fault. She kept saying her piece and cutting me off. I let her talk and talk and talk. Finally I screamed "Shut up and let me talk." and she didn't. This went on AGAIN AND AGAIN. Finally again I screamed "S.H.U.T.U.P" I explained the boundary thing again. And again asked for 60 days. And she S.A.I.D.N.O. She said it was too much trouble and that I was simply not worth it. That it would take too much time and energy and that when it was all said and done she knew that I would want more...Have more boundaries....
And she's right...I would have. I would have expected her to act like an adult, like a parent. To let me live my own adult life and to let me be happy. I would have had a list of taboo subjects that we always ended fighting about that would be banned from our conversations so we wouldn't have awful fights ending in us not talking for 5 months because Eli is getting bigger and he would notice if Grandma disappeared for 5 months here in a little while. So she's right I would have wanted more. But as she said, I'm not worth it. Worthless I think she said more than once. A horrible mother...She said "You know you accused me once of threatening to call CPS on you and you just made it up to make yourself look like the tortured victims just like the shit with Alex (Oh that was a Dozy....My friend Alex told me about a conversation he and my mom had. Alex told mom he thought I was pretty smurfy surviving as great as I did. He cited the sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her step-dad, especially (close your eyes if you are squeamish) being raped with a loaded gun. My mom told him that, that never happened to me...it had happened to HER and that I lied..."stole" her story and was telling it to make myself look "cool." Yeah you read that right) Well I could really call them and have him taken away from you. With my friend John (a retired homicide detective) I could maybe even get custody and then I'd decide when and if you got to see him." Umm yeah. That's when I hung up.
So since I'm not worth it...it's done and over with. Let her call. I'm D.O.N.E. So very done. I know I am going to cry my a lot before all this is said and done. I know I have lot of hurt to overcome. Especially feeling what I do about Wendy but I have Eli and Randy....my burner family....my in-laws and of course my Spectator family (without whom I would not survive...thanks ladies.)
Confession may be good for the soul but bad for the sinuses...need more tissue and to cuddle the baby...
Love
Dawn
ps
This is what I need to do to vent, if this hurts you or what not, call me or e-mail me to discuss (unless you are the party in question...then DON'T call)
What a weekend to a week...
Well once again San Diego taught this Fraggle so very much...After what could be considered the Christmas from HELL...Randy and I decided that we needed to take me home again but without the drama. So to San Diego we decided to go. At first I wanted to go to Seaworld but with an eye to finances we changed our mind to the Zoo. I put out the call to friends and after a few days plans were set. We would go down and stay at one of my besties, Michalene, and her roomie Diane's house in Lakeside, go to the Zoo, ExtraOrdinary Desserts, Brunch and finally a family dinner with Wendy and crew. We were going to fit all this into one small weekend. And yes, you saw that right...no LaDawna drama...yay.
So Friday morning we left early...well we meant to leave early but with a 1 year old and car payments to make we got on the road a bit later than planned, 10am rather than the 8:30am I wanted. But Eli was still happy to be on the road. With plans at 1pm for coffee we had a rough road ahead. We arrived late but got there to have a fun afternoon with old friends. I spent a good amount of time talking about how happy I was now, I didn't see the little black raincloud hovering (Eeyore style.) Then since our friends had waited and somewhere to be we both parted ways and I headed to another friend and stop two.
There we found another bestie in turmoil. Julie, a friend from forever ago, kids are in major crises. One is trying desperately to kick a bad habit that could take him the way it took me...another although knowing she was still on probation decided to ignore it and tested dirty for bad news. Now a part of her heart may be missing for almost a year. Did anyone see the raincloud get a little bigger?
Finally we made it to "home" for the weekend and had a great night. BBQ and friends. My pain level was out of control from being in the car and stress but I ignored it, I was determined to have fun and be in the moment. The next day we got up and I got the call from LA that my ex-boyfriend and dear friend and his family would make it to the Zoo with my family and Michalene!! YAY! So we got moving but slowly as we had 2 hours to meet them! heehee. So off to WallyWorld to get me sunglasses and pantyhose (for later) and cash for the Zoo. Off we go! At WallyWorld I ask Randy to drop me while he runs for coffee for me...All is well until we discover his ATM was still living at the ATM across town. DOH!
So off we dash back, but *WHATS THIS* good luck...the card was still there? Did that un-noticed cloud get smaller? Herm...So off we go...Is that my cell phone ringing from a LA number? Are they at the Zoo already? Waiting for us? Are we in San Diego and late? Damn.
So we manage traffic and arrive to the Zoo, um, late and park at the butt-end of nowhere. We rush in and meet the family. And have a great day, animals were seen, buses were ridden, skytrams done...The children's zoo explored. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of taking my child to the children's zoo. After fully exhausting the group we head out. We get everyone back to the house for a nap...well except for Eli..he needs no nap...hmm 12 hours no nap....1 year old...no problem right?
So 9pm rolls around. To Extraordinary Desserts we go. Eli drops like a stone in the car...poor kiddo. We get there and the line is out the door...and Eli sleeps snuggled in our aching arms for the hour wait. In line my male best friend, Alik meets up with us. The hope is that 10-12 people will show and I can show off my beautiful baby. But alas there is a competing party that night for a Burner going to Haiti. (hello little black raincloud) We order and get a table and while waiting for our dessert a friend from High School shows up, Sarah, with her daughter. So I check with a waitress and pull another table over (man I had to defend that table with my life LOL) and my dessert comes. Porn should be made from this dessert. Chocolate cake with creme brule and chocolate mousse filling, chocolate fudge frosting with crushed pirouette cookie and almond roca candies on top. OMG it was so good. YUMMY. We all sat and talked it was so fun. No one else showed.
The next morning we met Alik for brunch and returned to Casa Michalene and hung out for the rest of the day. I was supposed to go to Wendy's and hang there but my bat senses were telling me "Warning Danger." It was like a storm could warning. But everything else had gone so well. So at 5:40 we left to go over there for a 6pm dinner meet-up. We got there so close to 6pm that Dan and Tina met us there. I was telling stories and laughing, being me and asking Tina lots of Mason questions. Bob is playing with Eli and Wendy is being odd. She barely touched Eli and flinched when I called her "Grandma." A few times she waved her arms at me the way she does when Korky (her mom) is around and I am being "vulgar" or something in her eyes. I hate it. So I ignored it. We hung out for an hour or so, but it was getting so weird. So Randy said "Uhh lets go get food 'kay." I followed his lead. Wendy followed me to our car and made to say something but I cut her off.
In the car Randy said"Whats the vibe I am picking up on?" I got immediately nervous. I said "With who, who's weird around me?" (At Christmas I was high on pain meds...so I am super nervous) He got quiet because I can usually read stuff better and faster than him. I said "Dan and Tina? Are they mad at me still? (I was told they would never forgive me after X-mas etc)Do they think I am high? Or is it Bob and Wendy? Wendy knows I am clean...Is that why she was shushing me she thinks I'm high?! What?" Randy said "I don't know but I don't..." I interrupted because the last hour hit my bat senses fast and I caught up. I said "I will bring it up over dinner and explain and apologize for Christmas. I will tell them this is me now, that I am hyper 'cuz I'm nervous..." Randy said to do what I thought was best and that he backed me150%
(That little black raincloud followed me all the way to the front door...I could see him out of the corner of my eye now!)
So we get to the restaurant, order drinks and we start talking. Once again after about 5 minutes I get the shush thing again. So loudly I say "What's the deal Wendy, why are you hushing me like Korky is hear, it is pissing me off" Wendy says "You are dominating the conversation, how about letting some other people talk." I said "I'm sorry I thought I drove 4 hours and arranged this dinner so I could catch up and talk...you can see Dan and Tina like everyday." She was like well I'd like to talk to them so just hush. And that is when I got pissed. I said "Wendy do not hush me again I am 31 years old and I refuse to be hushed, I was a drug addict for a long time..." Then she starts yelling "Dammit Dawn stop it, I do not want to hear this, I have things I can say that you do not want to hear, so just be quiet and stop it." Then I said "No Wendy I will not, I wanted to apologize for..."And again she hushed me and said to stop it. I was SO mad I almost walked out. I would have if Dan and Tina hadn't mouthed and asked me to stay. Then she spent time talking about all the things she was going to buy for Mason (my unborn nephew) when she forgot my sons birthday. Of course she has said twice that she can't wait for her "REAL" grandson. The rest of the meal I barely spoke I was so hurt and angry. I have backed Wendy on every play everything since I was old enough to. Yes she has done a lot of amazing stuff for me but there has been a lot of hurt thrown in there too. Now more and more I realize I accepted a lot because I was so focused on how bad my mom was I ignored how messed up our relationship was too. I am so done there. I am done being the "go-between" between her and Dan. I am done reminding her of b-days and anniversaries. I am done accepting crumbs of love and thinly veiled insults. I am done with being the foster daughter when I have been around for more than 20 years. I am done fighting with my bio mom over her when I feel she would feed me to the wolves if she "had" to. It's been done before. The whole ride home I was a wreck. It still hurts.
And then tonight...my bio mom must have smelled blood in the water...because she struck. I'll blog on that one later today. I need a break and a new box of tissues. (Can you still see my little black raincloud?)
Love
Dawn
So Friday morning we left early...well we meant to leave early but with a 1 year old and car payments to make we got on the road a bit later than planned, 10am rather than the 8:30am I wanted. But Eli was still happy to be on the road. With plans at 1pm for coffee we had a rough road ahead. We arrived late but got there to have a fun afternoon with old friends. I spent a good amount of time talking about how happy I was now, I didn't see the little black raincloud hovering (Eeyore style.) Then since our friends had waited and somewhere to be we both parted ways and I headed to another friend and stop two.
There we found another bestie in turmoil. Julie, a friend from forever ago, kids are in major crises. One is trying desperately to kick a bad habit that could take him the way it took me...another although knowing she was still on probation decided to ignore it and tested dirty for bad news. Now a part of her heart may be missing for almost a year. Did anyone see the raincloud get a little bigger?
Finally we made it to "home" for the weekend and had a great night. BBQ and friends. My pain level was out of control from being in the car and stress but I ignored it, I was determined to have fun and be in the moment. The next day we got up and I got the call from LA that my ex-boyfriend and dear friend and his family would make it to the Zoo with my family and Michalene!! YAY! So we got moving but slowly as we had 2 hours to meet them! heehee. So off to WallyWorld to get me sunglasses and pantyhose (for later) and cash for the Zoo. Off we go! At WallyWorld I ask Randy to drop me while he runs for coffee for me...All is well until we discover his ATM was still living at the ATM across town. DOH!
So off we dash back, but *WHATS THIS* good luck...the card was still there? Did that un-noticed cloud get smaller? Herm...So off we go...Is that my cell phone ringing from a LA number? Are they at the Zoo already? Waiting for us? Are we in San Diego and late? Damn.
So we manage traffic and arrive to the Zoo, um, late and park at the butt-end of nowhere. We rush in and meet the family. And have a great day, animals were seen, buses were ridden, skytrams done...The children's zoo explored. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of taking my child to the children's zoo. After fully exhausting the group we head out. We get everyone back to the house for a nap...well except for Eli..he needs no nap...hmm 12 hours no nap....1 year old...no problem right?
So 9pm rolls around. To Extraordinary Desserts we go. Eli drops like a stone in the car...poor kiddo. We get there and the line is out the door...and Eli sleeps snuggled in our aching arms for the hour wait. In line my male best friend, Alik meets up with us. The hope is that 10-12 people will show and I can show off my beautiful baby. But alas there is a competing party that night for a Burner going to Haiti. (hello little black raincloud) We order and get a table and while waiting for our dessert a friend from High School shows up, Sarah, with her daughter. So I check with a waitress and pull another table over (man I had to defend that table with my life LOL) and my dessert comes. Porn should be made from this dessert. Chocolate cake with creme brule and chocolate mousse filling, chocolate fudge frosting with crushed pirouette cookie and almond roca candies on top. OMG it was so good. YUMMY. We all sat and talked it was so fun. No one else showed.
The next morning we met Alik for brunch and returned to Casa Michalene and hung out for the rest of the day. I was supposed to go to Wendy's and hang there but my bat senses were telling me "Warning Danger." It was like a storm could warning. But everything else had gone so well. So at 5:40 we left to go over there for a 6pm dinner meet-up. We got there so close to 6pm that Dan and Tina met us there. I was telling stories and laughing, being me and asking Tina lots of Mason questions. Bob is playing with Eli and Wendy is being odd. She barely touched Eli and flinched when I called her "Grandma." A few times she waved her arms at me the way she does when Korky (her mom) is around and I am being "vulgar" or something in her eyes. I hate it. So I ignored it. We hung out for an hour or so, but it was getting so weird. So Randy said "Uhh lets go get food 'kay." I followed his lead. Wendy followed me to our car and made to say something but I cut her off.
In the car Randy said"Whats the vibe I am picking up on?" I got immediately nervous. I said "With who, who's weird around me?" (At Christmas I was high on pain meds...so I am super nervous) He got quiet because I can usually read stuff better and faster than him. I said "Dan and Tina? Are they mad at me still? (I was told they would never forgive me after X-mas etc)Do they think I am high? Or is it Bob and Wendy? Wendy knows I am clean...Is that why she was shushing me she thinks I'm high?! What?" Randy said "I don't know but I don't..." I interrupted because the last hour hit my bat senses fast and I caught up. I said "I will bring it up over dinner and explain and apologize for Christmas. I will tell them this is me now, that I am hyper 'cuz I'm nervous..." Randy said to do what I thought was best and that he backed me150%
(That little black raincloud followed me all the way to the front door...I could see him out of the corner of my eye now!)
So we get to the restaurant, order drinks and we start talking. Once again after about 5 minutes I get the shush thing again. So loudly I say "What's the deal Wendy, why are you hushing me like Korky is hear, it is pissing me off" Wendy says "You are dominating the conversation, how about letting some other people talk." I said "I'm sorry I thought I drove 4 hours and arranged this dinner so I could catch up and talk...you can see Dan and Tina like everyday." She was like well I'd like to talk to them so just hush. And that is when I got pissed. I said "Wendy do not hush me again I am 31 years old and I refuse to be hushed, I was a drug addict for a long time..." Then she starts yelling "Dammit Dawn stop it, I do not want to hear this, I have things I can say that you do not want to hear, so just be quiet and stop it." Then I said "No Wendy I will not, I wanted to apologize for..."And again she hushed me and said to stop it. I was SO mad I almost walked out. I would have if Dan and Tina hadn't mouthed and asked me to stay. Then she spent time talking about all the things she was going to buy for Mason (my unborn nephew) when she forgot my sons birthday. Of course she has said twice that she can't wait for her "REAL" grandson. The rest of the meal I barely spoke I was so hurt and angry. I have backed Wendy on every play everything since I was old enough to. Yes she has done a lot of amazing stuff for me but there has been a lot of hurt thrown in there too. Now more and more I realize I accepted a lot because I was so focused on how bad my mom was I ignored how messed up our relationship was too. I am so done there. I am done being the "go-between" between her and Dan. I am done reminding her of b-days and anniversaries. I am done accepting crumbs of love and thinly veiled insults. I am done with being the foster daughter when I have been around for more than 20 years. I am done fighting with my bio mom over her when I feel she would feed me to the wolves if she "had" to. It's been done before. The whole ride home I was a wreck. It still hurts.
And then tonight...my bio mom must have smelled blood in the water...because she struck. I'll blog on that one later today. I need a break and a new box of tissues. (Can you still see my little black raincloud?)
Love
Dawn
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