Doozer's World

High School vs Burning Man

2010-06-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting up again at 5am pondering the world....and thinking about life. My life, to be specific and all the amazing people and things in it and what pops into my head....but high school. Man I hated that place. It sucked rocks. I never "got" it. I was an outsider in even the outsiders world. My high school was no different than yours, we had all the normal groupings associated with high school...the jocks, the popular people, the geeks, the band geeks, the drama geeks etc etc. I understood how it worked but as a messed up kid from a messed up home I stood outside even of the most basic grouping not knowing where I fit. I was lucky, I had a few friends that I counted on but I got out of dodge as quickly as possible. Everything was about exclusion and "I don't like you for X Y or Z." Not my scene.

College was better and worse as my own personal depression deepened. There the color lines blurred a little, you could be some one new from high school but somehow you still managed to end up boxed into your "your" table at the cafeteria or whatnot. And when a fight happened and you are now living amongst your social peers with nowhere to run, man....Talk about exclusion. Let's say my physical scars run as deep as the emotional. So once again I bolted.

As an adult I lived in my own bubble until one bossy woman drug me out of my shell kicking and screaming and things were ok. Life was fun, I went out....partied.....worked on me a bit. But life still tended to be sanitized....everyone ran still in their little cliques liking some, excluding others based on some imaginary list of what was cool or not. Then in 2002 my mom decided to drag my ass out to a little event out in the desert and my earth shook to it's core.

Burning Man....yeah...I reference it a lot to a lot of people without a ton of explanation. To some it's a kick ass party. 10 days of devil may care fun on a patch of land trying to kill you. And it is. Hell, 30,000+ people from around the world migrate the last week in August to Black Rock Nevada and we create a city that vanishes like footprints in sand. We have a fire department, post office and emergency medical team. City builders, planners, architects and artists flock to make the barren playa come alive. And alive it is. For, although there are many, the basic tenant is "Radical INCLUSION." Yep...you heard me....Inclusion (capitol I.NC.L.U.S.I.O.N).....and there are all types out there. Beautiful, amazing, talented people who not only wave their "freak" flag high, they light it up with el-wire and make it sparkily. You want to dress like a smurf and speak smurfish for 10 days, camp with Smurfville....they'd love to have you. It's amazing. It's awe inspiring. It's painful. Because it's only *10* days. How do you go back to shadow when you've been allowed to shine? So we take our flags and go home....and try desperately to recreate amongst ourselves....the magic for the other 355 days.

And somehow we end up back in high school. Suddenly the magic of the playa dust fades and line of sight clears and for some reason we start remembering how to EXCLUDE. "Well, you're friends with her and I don't like...." And *poof* the cliques form and factions divide. And suddenly the freak flag everyone partied under in the sun looks sad and faded. There are some who rail and rage against this indignity "But what about the smurfs?" we long to call but how do you fight something so *ingrained*? We aren't taught to include others, really. We as humans seem only happy when we are finding some way to tear another of our own down. And then when someone, anyone is at their lowest and alone....the masses move on to the new drama.

It's sad, sad, sad. And I don't know how to fix it. As I mentioned earlier...I'm a messed up kid from a messed up home who's been on the outside looking in for her whole life. All I know is that I worked too damn hard to get out of high school to find myself back excluded from the sun. This is my community, my party, my life and my family too. And frankly I love smurfs.

Hugs
Dawn

100%

2010-05-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I was laying in bed (not sleeping as usual) and I started to reflect on the events of the past few weeks. I've been forced to really look at some of the core relationships in my life and I've in truth I haven't liked a lot of what I have seen. I realized that I have a great many relationships in which I accept far less from the other person than what I give in return. Honestly, I had never thought about it much or allowed it to bother me...I just accepted it as being "par for the course." I've always been so hungry and desperate for others love and approval that I would accept anything offered no matter what strings were attached or how disproportionate it was to what I was willing to give. I allowed people to be callous and cruel, to kick me at my lowest and to judge me for all my failures while never acknowledging my successes. I have never thought I deserved any better. When I met and married Randy I slowly started to change my opinion of myself, to see in myself what he sees but it never fully clicked in my head until we had Eli.

We made a vow when Eli was born that NO ONE would be allowed into his world that would not love him 100% and treat him well. We agreed that if we thought anyone was treating him as "less than" someone else we would remove him from the situation and/or remove the offending party from his life. We demand that to know Eli well is to love and nurture him. I know that seems like a hard line or one that's going to be hard to hold onto when he is older. But we both have had times in our lives when we wished people had done this for us. So we're going to do this for him now, while we can. And isn't that what parents do? Wish for their children a better life than what they themselves had? But last night as I laid in bed I started to wonder why can't I apply that same standard to my own life. Why not take the opportunity now to start demanding better relationships for myself? Wouldn't having more honest, loving, and real relationships in my life help to make me a better mom, wife and person? And the more I thought about it, the more the simple answer came to me...YES.

So that's what I'm deciding to do. I'm going to start insisting that the people in my life treat me as I treat them. Sure, some people won't care for the idea but I'm hoping those that don't will fade out and my relationships with those people that DO treat me well will flourish. I know it's going to take time and I'm OK with that. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to demand for myself what I demand for Eli but my sincere hope is that eventually I can get somewhere closer to asking for the 100% everyone deserves out of life.

Hugs
Dawn

Sticks and Stones

2010-04-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

So, I've been promising an update in the ongoing saga with my biological mom LaDawna and I'm sorry it has taken me so long to do so. Part of me just has not wanted to relive what happened on Friday afternoon, but I know that I need to put this out "on paper" 1) Because as hard as it is to relive it as I type I always feel better about getting it out of my head and 2) By typing it out while it is fresh in my mind it will be something I can go back to months from now when I might be tempted to waffle on my resolution to never allow this evil back into my life. Sooo here goes nothing.

I figure the best way to handle this is to first explain how I ended up on the phone with her in the first place. And then give a subject by subject description of what was said. I had intended on blocking her telephone number, just as I had blocked her e-mails but since I just had not gotten around to it yet. It was Friday afternoon and Randy had just arrived home from work. We were discussing him helping a friend out for a few minutes when my phone rang. I saw it was her, so I pushed it over to voicemail. When it signaled that she had left a message I checked it. I saved it so here is a word for word transcription of it:

"Change your number brcfraggle. You know I'm the one who got you your car. I'm the one who got you your apartment. Your grandfather thought you were just like Pauline. He really didn't like you. All those things you got I got for you. So don't be thinking he was proud of you because he was not. He really didn't like you at all. So there."

I listened to the VM and had Randy listen to it, while we were checking it this one came in:

"And don't go thinking that your getting anything from my will. Everything has been changed into Tom's name and Jezabelle (my mom's hairdresser) is coming in to get every nicknack and other stuff she wants. My new family. My new daughter, son in law, and grandchildren. So don't think about ever coming here...the flag, the bible everything. It's all being given to Jezabelle."

I honestly didn't know what to say or do, and neither did Randy. We both knew that they were meant to hit me below the belt because I really loved my grandfather but have always been insecure about our relationship and worried that he didn't like me because he wasn't very good at showing it. Also she knows that although I am not terribly material the flag that we were given at his funeral and the family bible mean a lot to me and are both items that I wanted to have to pass on to Eli when he grew up. I was shaken but I knew where this was coming from and even though the phone calls were a surprise it wasn't anything too shocking given her and I's past relationship. Randy was worried she would keep calling but I told him I was ok and to take Eli and go help our friend. A few seconds after he left I got a call from an "unavailable" number and although I was suspicious I still answered the phone and it was her and she was out for blood. I'll start with what she said about my Grandpa.

Grandpa: She started by saying, as she did before, that everything he ever did for me was done on her behalf. That without her he would not have gotten me my car or co-signed for my apartment. She also said that he felt that I was a liar, selfish, whiny and rude. She said that he HATED me and that he wished that I had never contacted him when I was 16. I replied that he never trusted her because of her drug abuse and that she as good as killed him with her insanity. She kept him in sloth by never cleaning the house and complained about the few chores she did do for him. I also said that she robbed him blind and took advantage of his kindness but in return kept him prisoner in his own home. He had COPD and she continued to smoke, had high blood pressure and she fed him high sodium fast food, and he had diabetes and she fed him sugar. We went round and round on Grandpa with her escalating on how much he hated me.

Eli: She said that I was a horrible mother to Eli and that she was going to call CPS on me about him. She said that I beat him, starved him and ignored him. She said she was going to tell him that Randy and I ignored him at Christmas while we sat there and did Ecstasy. She said that she was going to tell them that I ignored him when he was dirty to the point that he had open weeping sores and that I did street drugs while I was pregnant.She also said that she planned on suing for "grandparents rights" to get custody or visitation rights and would tell him that I never wanted him. I told her that Eli was terrified of her and that he cries when he sees her picture and that she would never lay eyes on my child again. (I've already checked and the only way she would ever get any "grandparents rights" is if A) I DIED or B) Randy I divorced (state of CA only) Even then she would still have to prove that she had a relationship with Eli and could provide financial stability and health insurance. On top of that she would have to prove that she is emotionally, mentally and physically stable. Umm, yeah right. So as I said she will never, ever, NEVER lay hands or eyes on Eli again. But I am going off topic.) I also told her that we called her the Sea Witch to Eli and that we were teaching him to scream "Ew EW the sea witch" when he saw pictures of her. I also told her that although we were not going to tell Eli that she was dead he was going to be told about all the evil things she had done to mommy so that he grew up knowing what true evil was.

Randy: In regards to Randy she said that Randy was a ball less, cross dressing faggot with no ability to think for himself. She said he was an asshole that could go fuck himself repeatedly. She lied and said that he talked to her and said that he wished he had never proposed to me and that he wished everyday he could get away. She claimed that he had even said he looked forward to coming to San Diego because then I would fight with her and leave him alone. She said she knew he was a faggot and was amazed that he was able to make a child because he obviously had no balls. She said he was a disgusting cross dresser who got off on wearing my underwear and that everyone she knew laughed at him behind his back. She said that he wasn't a man and that he must have mental problems because he married a sick woman and had some sort of "hero complex." I told her that she was just jealous that I had a man, and that she would never get fucked again if she shoved 100$ bills up her pussy. That she was so fucking ugly I couldn't get her laid with a stolen dick and that she was going to end up alone and sad. She wouldn't know a real man if her life depended on it so who the fuck was she to judge my husband. I also said that she was the one fucked in the head to see something wrong with a man who wants to stand by his woman and want to save her.

Me: My mother called me whore, slut, cunt, bitch, bastard, liar, cheat, selfish, ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, disgusting, useless, a waste of time, nasty, lazy, whiny, tramp, sleazy, junkie, crackhead, user and easy. I'm sure I missed a few in there. She said I made up everything in my life to get sympathy. She said I was never molested or beaten by her step-father. She said that I told her friend Kenny that I had been molested by her real father (the grandfather I love so much.) She said that I had never lost a baby and miscarried alone. She said that I gave blow jobs to every man I met and that's how I had so many male friends. She threatened to call or e-mail of my friends that are in serious relationships and tell them that I had blown their husbands/boyfriends and laughed about it. She said that she was going to call Randy and tell him that I had cheated on him about the time I got pregnant with Eli and that he was probably not Randy's son. She said that I dressed like a whore at Burning Man and that it disgusted everyone because I was too fat to do so. She called me a dirty cunt, over and over again. She said that I was so disgusting when I was fat that she was ashamed to take me places and used to laugh with people about how disgusting I was. She said I faked all of my medical problems, including the ulcers that sent me into emergency surgery and the DVT, just to get attention. She said she lost friends because I was such a slut. She said that she was going to call every hospital and doctor here in Vegas and tell them I was an addict and to cut me off all medication I countered telling her that if I was a slut I learned it from the best and asked her how many abortions did she have as birth control. I went for a low blow and said that she had seduced her step-father and had never been molested by him either (I know...not cool) I said I would call the cops and report her for any illegal activity she might be doing still. I said that I would turn her in for SS fraud and for welfare fraud from when I was a kid. I said that I would make sure everyone in her life would suffer for being her friend if I could. I called her a whore for all the men I know she slept with and a monster for sending me to live with a man she knew could hurt me. I called her as many names as she called me and fought back tit for tat.

Nearly 2 hours had passed when Randy finally came home, he said he could hear me on the stairs yelling. I forget what finally ended the conversation but I believe she hung up on me. She says she has a new family now, and I wish them well. I don't ever plan on seeing or speaking to that woman again. Words can hurt. I'm no angel and I said awful evil things too so in all honesty we should never forgive each other and I'm going to make damn sure it stays that way.

Right now all I want to do is close the door on this and find my way back to happy. Luckily I have been able to stay sober through it all and not succumb to the temptation of abusing drugs or alcohol and I am really happy about that. I have all my friends and real family to thank for that. Thanks to you all for sticking with me and sending me all the love and happy vibes!!

Love
Dawn

About her leaving me alone...

2010-04-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

I was wrong.....so very very wrong. Of course I was more wrong about being free. I'll fill in the gaps later but....all I can say is "ow"

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn

The evil vengence monkey rides...

2010-04-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

So day 3 on little to no sleep and I can't say I am holding up well. My pain level is out of sight and I am worn to the bone. My head is pounding, the neck is so stiff I could double as a hat rack, the stomach ulcers are churning, I'm throwing up (what little food I can manage to get down in the first place), I have NO appetite, I'm dizzy and weak. I know a lot of all that has to do with the small amount of food, water and sleep I am getting but seriously I am starting to feel like I got ran over by a 26 wheeler. I know breaking up is hard to do, but breaking up with a parent is really rough, especially when you know that parent is mentally ill and plays dirty dirty mind games.

So yesterday afternoon I was on my 6 roll of toilet paper (I ran out of tissues to blow my nose and wipe away the tears) and Randy was still at work and Eli was napping so I was kicking back on the couch watching some mindless TV when I noticed that my mail icon was blinking on Gertrude (my laptop...I name inanimate objects :D) So I clicked on and this is what I read :

"just wanted to let you know that johns teacher for polygraphs is coming to town and has agreed to do a test on me.it will be about xmas only. if you dont care to see the truth im sure someone will. he is a certified expert he can testify in court and the results are 98.8 accurate. we'll see if i'm such a liar...this wont change anything but at least you'll see that i might have been drinking but not around eli. and you on the other hand we're doing plenty of trazadone ectasy and ocs. like calling the kettle black i'd say."

So I called Randy at work and read him the letter. We both considered what to do, I could ignore it, block her address and move on. This is not only a reasonable option, it is the mature option and probably the one best for my mental state. But I am not dealing with a mature, reasonable person here. I am dealing with a woman who despite the fact that she is chronologically 51 mentally and socially she is 16. So what would you average 16 year old do if she goaded you and you ignored her...she would continue to pester, plague and annoy you until you gave her some sort of attention GOOD or BAD. But see my mom can do more....She would register a new e-mail address (she's done it before) and another and another and another. Or she would use her friends. If I blocked her IP address, she would use the libraries computers or an Internet cafe or her phone or her friends. And when THAT didn't work she would call me OVER and OVER and OVER. When I turned off my phone, she would call Randy. When we blocked her number she would call our apartment building, Randy at work, our friends....then she would block her number and call us from an unavailable number. Then we would change our numbers, despite having had them for years and potentially losing contacts we met at Burning Man from all over the world. The she would come out here and look for us, show up at Randy's work...call the police...report me missing. Oh yes...she would do ALL that over one ignored e-mail. So better to play her game but just to be better at it. I'm warning you guys this is not going to paint me in the nicest light....but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. So this is the exchange from e-mail #1 to e-mail #4. Her words are in Orange mine are in Purple. Needless to say, I think she is going to leave me alone for a little while....

#1:

just wanted to let you know that johns teacher for polygraphs is coming to town and has agreed to do a test on me.it will be about xmas only. if you dont care to see the truth im sure someone will. he is a certified expert he can testify in court and the results are 98.8 accurate. we'll see if i'm such a liar...this wont change anything but at least you'll see that i might have been drinking but not around eli. and you on the other hand we're doing plenty of trazadone ectasy and ocs. like calling the kettle black i'd say.

I'm sorry, who are you? You must have the wrong e-mail address. I don't know anyone named, LaDawna or Jon. Or why you would be offering to take a polygraph about Christmas. Please do not contact me at this address again talking about drugs.

Thank you.

#2.
i knew my father better than anyone those last years and he would be so ashamed of you

Listen, I don't know who you are but I imagine your father would not want you bothering someone who doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

Have a nice life.

#3. (this one came in at like 10pm, I decided to just end it)

ok play the i dont know you game but i hope you relize you have serious mental probalms. it runs in the women side of the family and by the sick obscene things you said last nite i relize you are in trouble. please call a mental health group in your area as i have. or the problem will never end. please

Ok lady...I've been trying to be nice, but I guess subtle doesn't work on your type. Although the advice about getting some help is touching...mental health advice from you is pretty laughable. Wasn't it you a couple of e-mails ago offering to take a polygraph to defend your virtue of not drinking around Eli when there were multiple witnesses there to see you mixing the drinks?

Then you mentioned how proud your father would be of you. You father would proud of a 51 year old shut in who in less than 5 years has spent every penny he took a lifetime to save, wrecked a car he took meticulous care of, and sold a home he had lived in for 35 years in a short "fire sale." Now that all that money is gone you continue to mooch off the social security system that you have never put a single hour of work into, you take and sell opiate drugs not caring who gets hurt as long as you get some money to feed your shopping addiction because you have to buy your friends, and the dog he bought you is gone because you over-fed him to death. Yes I bet your father is bursting with pride. Whereas me, yes I was a pill-popping addict but in those same 5 years I completed a ROP program, graduated and passed the state licensing, I met, married and made a child with a GOOD man who treats me like a queen. I took care of my health problems mental, physical and emotional and am now on a sober if not 100% clean path. I carried a beautiful boy to nearly full term and he is hale and hearty, happy and brilliant. He is at the 95Th percentile of height and weight and scores at a 4 year old level for fine motor skills. Yeah your dad would loathe me and be so ashamed to call me family.

So I don't really know why I bothered to acknowledge your messages. Probably because I am PERMANENTLY estranged from my mom. She's insane. Actually she's fucking nuts. And you remind me of her. But yes mental illness does run in our maternal side but it will usually show up by 30..31 by the latest. I was tested, and I am a-mutha-fucking-a-ok, no thanks to a warm and fuzzy childhood provided by my mom right? Yessiree I actually lucked out on this one. It skips a generation. So great grandma Polly: Stark raving MAD....Pauline: plain old bitch...a cast iron one...but still not insane Mom:Stark raving mad to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL..I mean they should write a BOOK....plus cast iron bitch plus...ah never mind...Then me...the last female for awhile....the end of the cycle: bitch. So I'm going to hope after this you will leave me alone because I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE and I hope my mom gets it too. I am going to change my e-mail address after all this. My phone number is already changed, so don't bother. And if anyone should decide to wander this way, the gates will be locked...we don't live there anymore. Seriously...Have a nice life. I know I will. I'm free.

#4 This one's subject read Pictures of Eli and Dawn

I love you and the baby

The management has requested that you no longer attempt to contact anyone in the Winsett household anymore. Thank you.

And after that it's been quiet. Oh God I hope it lasts. being cruel like that hurt me more that it will hurt her but I gave her what she wanted, I sunk to her level and I let her be the martyr. I just ****hated**** doing it. It made me feel dirty. So much so I need to shower again just copying and pasting it all over. Thanks for listening and please don't think poorly of me for doing this, it truly is self preservation.

Love,
Dawn

Blood in the Water...

2010-04-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

So here's part 2 of my own personal hell....

There was no LaDawna Drama (aka my mom) while in San Diego for the 1st time ever. Yes my mother did not in ANY way influence my trip at all. We didn't call and she didn't pop out of the Tasmanian devil exhibit all wild flinging poo. It was GREAT. But remember that little black raincloud that was plotting against me. Well I think Noah built an Ark for this rain storm.

First background. Short and sweet Mom is a recovering meth addict. Life went to hell in hand basket at 11. Didn't see her much from 11-19. Reconnected with her. She is bi-polar manic depressive and on a great galloping butt load of medications, both prescribed and self prescribed. Going whacko a lot and usually does so on me. Screaming, yelling, name calling, physical crap on both sides. We look for the button to push at ALL times. We have lived together on and off. Always ends bad. She hates Wendy, terribly jealous of her...wants me to say I love her more than Wendy. Kept me from my father. Inherited everything from Grandpa and is almost out of money. Kicked us out at Christmas 3 times. Screamed at me in front of Eli. Views Eli as her "redemption" but called him "that kid" while screaming at me. Denies it all. Drinks. Says awful things and denies it. Only hears what she wants to hear, recreates history. We are bad news together. Her, her house, her stories, her sadness, her life and lack there of, her pressure on me to forgive her for picking meth over me, her sending to me to Phil and Pauline, her collecting welfare while I worked in high school, her throwing away my childhood, ETC ETC ETC AND SO MUCH MORE trigger me wanting to get loaded and sleep. This ruined my sobriety in December (I had not touched and med not prescribed to me in 2 years) and ruined my 1st Christmas with Eli. SO much for shot or

So about 9:30pm I check my e-mail and what does my tiny eye see?!? An e-mail from my mom. All it says it "please call me when you get a chance."

Love, Mom

Now when we had had fled San Diego and when I came home had cried for a full month and in that month I had removed to talk to her. The whole time I said I was going to write her a letter expressing my boundaries, what I needed in order for us to function. During that month I was trying to write it, and it was coming "Fuck you....you did this <________>" and "Fuck you <_____________> you did that" and "I never want to see you again." End. So I knew this letter needed to be written out of healing not hurting. And I kept saying don't call me I will cal you. So she kept her cool until mid February. Then I got a call saying basically can I send Eli a Valentines Day card. I called back and on VM, "Go ahead, send him a Valentine, birthday card, etc...we are all ok...blah blah....I almost finished the letter...Don't call me I will cal you." That night I get Senorita Psychopath on the phone. Again I let it go to VM. Message go a little something like this (couldn't really tell as it was through SOBBING) "Uhh Dawn, I just can't do this anymore, I don't want to **JUST** send the baby a Valentine and a *Buh-Buh-Buh-Birthday card. I don't know what I did! but I really love you and the baby but I can't wait for this letter anymore. I run for the mailbox everyday. I just for muh-mumumu-me need to end this. Good-buhbuhbuh bye Dawn. Let's end this. Good-Bye." So I let her keep it that way and I did not call back.

Fast fwd 2 weeks. I felt the polarities shift. She calls me AGAIN. This time we chat more ( I am held hostage I believe) and I ask her to give me 2 months (It was Feb 28th) with NO, none, zip, zero, nein, phone contact and we could try and work this out. I said I would send pictures via e-mail and some to Wal-Mart to print. I asked for my baby-pictures to make copies for my Dad. I said I would e-mail but NO (NONONONONONONONONONONONO) phone calls until APRIL 30th, 4-40-10, Avril trente, 2010-4-10....You get it...She didn't. She just kept on calling. And in my head each time she did I added another week to when I would willingly call. Because, YES, I know I could just not answer the fucking phone, but then there the maudlin weepy voicemail. It's the subtle threats in the voicemail. The threats of suicide. The hints of an illness of a friend or family member (I long for the day I can dance on most of my immediate family's grave) And yes hope that she may have rapidly aged (like in the soaps) overnight from 16 to her real time age of 51 going on52.

So she keep calling and I wanted it to stop so I sent an e-mail to hint that her new deadline was May 13. I knew I had my trip to San Diego coming and I DIDN'T want her to know I was coming into town. And I knew I had my trip to Orlando May 10-12 (more on that in a happier post) as if she found out she would try and RUIN that for me too) So I told her I would be traveling with Randy for business (which is true, he will be in Orlando for business. I said that in a lot of these areas there is no cell phone coverage and "roaming" with my phone is hella expensive. So could she "pretty please with a cherry on top" just e-mail me. I got the above e-mail. Since I assumed that she would comply (stupid stupid stupid) I called her. I admit I was grumpy. And off we went.

Me: "What mom?"
Mom: "What do you mean what? Where you ever going to call me or what?"
Me: "Funny when I checked the date today it didn't SAY April 30th....
And to be honest it just went down hill from there. I kept trying to explain that the no phone thing was a boundary. That I needed something, anything to reign in our relationship. My mom is like crack and the phone. No one calls her and she is desperately lonely. She would call me 4 times a day and want to talk for 5 hours a day. So I picked what would be the biggest sacrifice for
her. The one that would show me she was trying the hardest, the one that showed me she cared the most. She claimed she didn't know that I had asked her to wait until the 30th. I only mentioned it EVERY TIME she had called since Febraury 28th but like 50 times in the February 28th conversation. Knowing I was right she moved onto the whole "But you said no matter what I did you would never take Eli away from me." And while I did say this, this was before I A) knew she was drinking again B) She wigged out, called him "that kid" and scared him half to death and C) Randy put his foot down and said she has lost her "Alone with Eli" privies. So I explained that "if we were in town and had time to see her, she would but would NEVER, EVER, NEVER be alone with my son again. OMDFSM. "What do you mean? I will never be allowed to see the baby again? Wh-w-wha-wh-wawhhahhhhhhhWhat do you muhmu-muhmean? WHYYYYYYY (imagine the end, in a keening wail) I explained A, B, and C. I explained that in 13 months she had come to see Eli once and that his PawPaw from Oklahoma had been here 2. He has to fly all day to get here and pay for flight (for 2) and a hotel room. My my can drive in 4 hours and stay with us. Her worst expenditure would be a doggy sitter but her "friend" Kenny would help. We, Randy and I, made the efforts for her to see Eli. Instead of being her, she bought him *stuff.* That's not what he needs. And not what I want for him. So instead of facing what I am saying so goes into her mod is operand...I can't do this how do we split ways. I said "You honestly want to end our "FAMILY" because I am setting a boundary?"

And round and round we went. Me saying one thing, her recreating it her head and repeating it back in "LaDawna speak" so it fit what she wanted to hear and so she could get the outcome she wanted. Her being the martyr and me being the evil bitch child who hurts her and forgets about or:
A) Will never forgive her for being a drug addict, but poor poor her she was abused and will never get over it

Me too and by the man who abused her

B) Doesn't understand her, her father and her dog died

Umm he was my grandpa and I've had lots of pets die

C) Didn't have a father until she was 40 and was raised by monsters

I almost didn't have a father period. My dad had throat cancer, a quintuple bypass the week my cousins found me. And I spent a good part of my childhood in those same monsters hands, who did the same shit to me, the difference my MOM 100% did know what could happen but sent me there anyway.

D) Is in pain.

Life is pain. I have shit going on too. The diff? You've had health insurance constant for years. You could get a health proxy when for 6 years I suffered with NO help.

E) Is crazy.

Can't top that one...you can have it. I suffered/suffer from depression but I wake up try and say that today will be good and it usually is.

I could go on but you get the picture. Nothing is EVER her fault. She kept saying her piece and cutting me off. I let her talk and talk and talk. Finally I screamed "Shut up and let me talk." and she didn't. This went on AGAIN AND AGAIN. Finally again I screamed "S.H.U.T.U.P" I explained the boundary thing again. And again asked for 60 days. And she S.A.I.D.N.O. She said it was too much trouble and that I was simply not worth it. That it would take too much time and energy and that when it was all said and done she knew that I would want more...Have more boundaries....

And she's right...I would have. I would have expected her to act like an adult, like a parent. To let me live my own adult life and to let me be happy. I would have had a list of taboo subjects that we always ended fighting about that would be banned from our conversations so we wouldn't have awful fights ending in us not talking for 5 months because Eli is getting bigger and he would notice if Grandma disappeared for 5 months here in a little while. So she's right I would have wanted more. But as she said, I'm not worth it. Worthless I think she said more than once. A horrible mother...She said "You know you accused me once of threatening to call CPS on you and you just made it up to make yourself look like the tortured victims just like the shit with Alex (Oh that was a Dozy....My friend Alex told me about a conversation he and my mom had. Alex told mom he thought I was pretty smurfy surviving as great as I did. He cited the sexual abuse I survived at the hands of her step-dad, especially (close your eyes if you are squeamish) being raped with a loaded gun. My mom told him that, that never happened to me...it had happened to HER and that I lied..."stole" her story and was telling it to make myself look "cool." Yeah you read that right) Well I could really call them and have him taken away from you. With my friend John (a retired homicide detective) I could maybe even get custody and then I'd decide when and if you got to see him." Umm yeah. That's when I hung up.

So since I'm not worth it...it's done and over with. Let her call. I'm D.O.N.E. So very done. I know I am going to cry my a lot before all this is said and done. I know I have lot of hurt to overcome. Especially feeling what I do about Wendy but I have Eli and Randy....my burner family....my in-laws and of course my Spectator family (without whom I would not survive...thanks ladies.)

Confession may be good for the soul but bad for the sinuses...need more tissue and to cuddle the baby...

Love
Dawn

ps
This is what I need to do to vent, if this hurts you or what not, call me or e-mail me to discuss (unless you are the party in question...then DON'T call)

What a weekend to a week...

2010-04-22T04:11:00.000-07:00

Well once again San Diego taught this Fraggle so very much...After what could be considered the Christmas from HELL...Randy and I decided that we needed to take me home again but without the drama. So to San Diego we decided to go. At first I wanted to go to Seaworld but with an eye to finances we changed our mind to the Zoo. I put out the call to friends and after a few days plans were set. We would go down and stay at one of my besties, Michalene, and her roomie Diane's house in Lakeside, go to the Zoo, ExtraOrdinary Desserts, Brunch and finally a family dinner with Wendy and crew. We were going to fit all this into one small weekend. And yes, you saw that right...no LaDawna drama...yay.

So Friday morning we left early...well we meant to leave early but with a 1 year old and car payments to make we got on the road a bit later than planned, 10am rather than the 8:30am I wanted. But Eli was still happy to be on the road. With plans at 1pm for coffee we had a rough road ahead. We arrived late but got there to have a fun afternoon with old friends. I spent a good amount of time talking about how happy I was now, I didn't see the little black raincloud hovering (Eeyore style.) Then since our friends had waited and somewhere to be we both parted ways and I headed to another friend and stop two.

There we found another bestie in turmoil. Julie, a friend from forever ago, kids are in major crises. One is trying desperately to kick a bad habit that could take him the way it took me...another although knowing she was still on probation decided to ignore it and tested dirty for bad news. Now a part of her heart may be missing for almost a year. Did anyone see the raincloud get a little bigger?

Finally we made it to "home" for the weekend and had a great night. BBQ and friends. My pain level was out of control from being in the car and stress but I ignored it, I was determined to have fun and be in the moment. The next day we got up and I got the call from LA that my ex-boyfriend and dear friend and his family would make it to the Zoo with my family and Michalene!! YAY! So we got moving but slowly as we had 2 hours to meet them! heehee. So off to WallyWorld to get me sunglasses and pantyhose (for later) and cash for the Zoo. Off we go! At WallyWorld I ask Randy to drop me while he runs for coffee for me...All is well until we discover his ATM was still living at the ATM across town. DOH!

So off we dash back, but *WHATS THIS* good luck...the card was still there? Did that un-noticed cloud get smaller? Herm...So off we go...Is that my cell phone ringing from a LA number? Are they at the Zoo already? Waiting for us? Are we in San Diego and late? Damn.

So we manage traffic and arrive to the Zoo, um, late and park at the butt-end of nowhere. We rush in and meet the family. And have a great day, animals were seen, buses were ridden, skytrams done...The children's zoo explored. I got to fulfill a lifelong dream of taking my child to the children's zoo. After fully exhausting the group we head out. We get everyone back to the house for a nap...well except for Eli..he needs no nap...hmm 12 hours no nap....1 year old...no problem right?

So 9pm rolls around. To Extraordinary Desserts we go. Eli drops like a stone in the car...poor kiddo. We get there and the line is out the door...and Eli sleeps snuggled in our aching arms for the hour wait. In line my male best friend, Alik meets up with us. The hope is that 10-12 people will show and I can show off my beautiful baby. But alas there is a competing party that night for a Burner going to Haiti. (hello little black raincloud) We order and get a table and while waiting for our dessert a friend from High School shows up, Sarah, with her daughter. So I check with a waitress and pull another table over (man I had to defend that table with my life LOL) and my dessert comes. Porn should be made from this dessert. Chocolate cake with creme brule and chocolate mousse filling, chocolate fudge frosting with crushed pirouette cookie and almond roca candies on top. OMG it was so good. YUMMY. We all sat and talked it was so fun. No one else showed.

The next morning we met Alik for brunch and returned to Casa Michalene and hung out for the rest of the day. I was supposed to go to Wendy's and hang there but my bat senses were telling me "Warning Danger." It was like a storm could warning. But everything else had gone so well. So at 5:40 we left to go over there for a 6pm dinner meet-up. We got there so close to 6pm that Dan and Tina met us there. I was telling stories and laughing, being me and asking Tina lots of Mason questions. Bob is playing with Eli and Wendy is being odd. She barely touched Eli and flinched when I called her "Grandma." A few times she waved her arms at me the way she does when Korky (her mom) is around and I am being "vulgar" or something in her eyes. I hate it. So I ignored it. We hung out for an hour or so, but it was getting so weird. So Randy said "Uhh lets go get food 'kay." I followed his lead. Wendy followed me to our car and made to say something but I cut her off.

In the car Randy said"Whats the vibe I am picking up on?" I got immediately nervous. I said "With who, who's weird around me?" (At Christmas I was high on pain meds...so I am super nervous) He got quiet because I can usually read stuff better and faster than him. I said "Dan and Tina? Are they mad at me still? (I was told they would never forgive me after X-mas etc)Do they think I am high? Or is it Bob and Wendy? Wendy knows I am clean...Is that why she was shushing me she thinks I'm high?! What?" Randy said "I don't know but I don't..." I interrupted because the last hour hit my bat senses fast and I caught up. I said "I will bring it up over dinner and explain and apologize for Christmas. I will tell them this is me now, that I am hyper 'cuz I'm nervous..." Randy said to do what I thought was best and that he backed me150%

(That little black raincloud followed me all the way to the front door...I could see him out of the corner of my eye now!)
So we get to the restaurant, order drinks and we start talking. Once again after about 5 minutes I get the shush thing again. So loudly I say "What's the deal Wendy, why are you hushing me like Korky is hear, it is pissing me off" Wendy says "You are dominating the conversation, how about letting some other people talk." I said "I'm sorry I thought I drove 4 hours and arranged this dinner so I could catch up and talk...you can see Dan and Tina like everyday." She was like well I'd like to talk to them so just hush. And that is when I got pissed. I said "Wendy do not hush me again I am 31 years old and I refuse to be hushed, I was a drug addict for a long time..." Then she starts yelling "Dammit Dawn stop it, I do not want to hear this, I have things I can say that you do not want to hear, so just be quiet and stop it." Then I said "No Wendy I will not, I wanted to apologize for..."And again she hushed me and said to stop it. I was SO mad I almost walked out. I would have if Dan and Tina hadn't mouthed and asked me to stay. Then she spent time talking about all the things she was going to buy for Mason (my unborn nephew) when she forgot my sons birthday. Of course she has said twice that she can't wait for her "REAL" grandson. The rest of the meal I barely spoke I was so hurt and angry. I have backed Wendy on every play everything since I was old enough to. Yes she has done a lot of amazing stuff for me but there has been a lot of hurt thrown in there too. Now more and more I realize I accepted a lot because I was so focused on how bad my mom was I ignored how messed up our relationship was too. I am so done there. I am done being the "go-between" between her and Dan. I am done reminding her of b-days and anniversaries. I am done accepting crumbs of love and thinly veiled insults. I am done with being the foster daughter when I have been around for more than 20 years. I am done fighting with my bio mom over her when I feel she would feed me to the wolves if she "had" to. It's been done before. The whole ride home I was a wreck. It still hurts.

And then tonight...my bio mom must have smelled blood in the water...because she struck. I'll blog on that one later today. I need a break and a new box of tissues. (Can you still see my little black raincloud?)

Love
Dawn

525,600 minutes....

2010-02-24T14:55:00.000-08:00

How do you measure a year? Lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Seasons of Love, from my favorite musical..Rent. It's amazing that a year has almost passed in my little man's life. Where did the time go? I still remember in blazing technicolor the moment I felt him stir inside me, the moment I heard him cry for the first time, the moment I saw my husband hold his boy, the moment I got to hold him...And now I look at him standing tall in his playpen and I'm awed. Those tiny fingers and toes are growing and that baby softness is growing thin in his cheeks. Being home I've been so lucky to see each precious moment and I know each second is a gift. How I wish that everyone who loves him could be close so they could kiss those cheeks everyday!! He loves you all so much!

On Sunday the 7th we'll be celebrating his 1st trip around the sun and are lucky that our friends will be here to join us. I know I will have moments of sadness as I remember the past but with my new lease on happiness I'm charging forward into this new phase with an energy I've never had. Thank you to everyone who loves our little family and supports us so very much. We're very lucky and we know it. I promise to take lots of pictures and videos, especially when Eli gets his cake. It should be a riot. We love you all!!!!!!!!

Love and Spit Bubbles,
Dawn and Eli

A picture is worth a thousand words

2010-02-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

So yesterday after my blogging I went back to facebook and scrolled through my "news" and "poof" noticed a picture of a friend sitting at Margaritaville here in Vegas. It had just posted and for some reason I quickly found her number and sent out a text...."Are you still here?" And by damned if my phone didn't ring a few minutes later...yes! My Pam was still here. Have you ever been blessed to meet someone who is just a *pure* soul? A person who can so quickly go from stranger to friend to family? This is my Pam. I met her while mentoring at Curves and I was lucky to sign both her and her MIL that day and get to work out with them the next. When I was offered the job to stay, honestly Pam was a factor...she made me laugh. She smart and funny, irreverent and honest, smart-assed and sweet. I would plan my days workout around her arrival and I usually laughed more than worked out. When I left Curves it pained me to leave all my "girls" but she pained me more than others. Last year I got an invite from her to join a (not gone) social networking site and was so pleased to update her of my new life in Vegas and the little man about to join my reality. When FB became the rage we met again there and yes I caught her on my turf....

So I grabbed the kiddo and jumped in the shower and drug poor Randy out to the strip. After a few minutes of wandering I found Pam exactly where she said she'd be...a rarity in Vegas. After finding a place where we could sit and talk that allowed Eli (darn if they won't believe he's a 21 year old midget LOL) I shanghaied her for nearly 4 hours...leaving only when I knew I couldn't delay it anymore. Just sitting there shook something loose that needed a shaking. Randy very poetically said when we came home that she was like an ivy plant of pure joy and that he could see me opening up and allowing the tendrils in replacing the dark ones I've been trying to shake. This beautiful woman, just simply by being her, redirected the light in me. She made me cry when she saw that finally I was starting to love me just a little bit. And having someone from my past meet my future and say "He's perfect" is always a nice confirmation of what I already know...that Randy (the purest soul I know) is my soul's perfect mate. When we parted she thanked me...apparently this little Fraggle can still people up too. I'm not sure if I told her thank you in return but I hope this blog serves as a public thank you!

Then as I tried to sleep last night the MP3 player played a song I had never heard but was so *perfect* for how I feel. Even if you are not a fan, Pink's "Glitter in the Air" is quite possibly one of my favorite songs now.

Love and Spit bubbles,
Dawn and Eli

Ps: Here's a link to a beautiful video someone made to the song...it's terribly lovely http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TTKlJ3H4PQ)

Damn!

2010-02-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

...I knew that frequent blogging thing would go boom at some point but I'm going with it. In my last whine fest Randy was on his way home...Well Randy came home, thank God. He made it in about 3am and poor little man tried so hard to stay awake for it. Randy came home kissed me and made for the crib like a man on fire. It felt so good to have been missed but to know that Randy really missed Eli made my heart all gooey. I went in the bedroom and Eli was waking up to the "daddy snuggles" and the look of pure joy on his little face was...movie epic cute. I could have taken a picture but...hey I took that moment for me...I'm stingy.

I do have a-dore-able pics of Eli but I gotta get Randy to put them on my computer. He's trying to walk and his he first run it with the floor. We only had big adult bandages but it made him look tough. I felt like my heart was breaking when he cried, but as I am constantly reminded he's getting bigger and will hurt himself. He learned gravity is a law not a theory...but try explaining that to an 11 month old.

11 month old....am I the only one shrieking at this indignity? He's only a baby!!!

Hrm....Eli and I got sick from whatever crud Randy got in Ohio. Sick baby sucks! But Eli is so plucky he just keeps going. I get sick and stay that way for a long time. *boo* Last week my right leg went 100% numb while I was on the couch. Thinking my butt had been sitting on it for too long I figgered "pins and needles, no biggie." I got up to fecth the baby and stood up. Remember the law I mentioned earlier? I went DOWN. Tried again and managed to hobble, wobble into the bedroom. Stood up, leg went out down again. Now it's scaring me. (I can hear you all slapping your head...) I get up foot, toes, leg all gone....no feeling or stability. Ankle turns and I hear a pop. Now I'm scared and screwed. Remember me feeling not so cheery at being without close friends and Randy gone? Me and (screaming) Eli in the bedroom....Randy at work...Cell phone? In living room. F&*^%$##@ So I crawl to phone and call Randy and explain that I didn't take the wrong med and blink out, my leg is FUBAR....Cue to scared Randy. I thought I broke it. Randy came home and since I could move said foot and leg (couldn't tell you I was doing it or it hurt like hell) we skipped the ER but here we are a week later and my foot/leg is not so bueno. So tomorrow off to the GP to see why the leg's wonky. I like him and he's going to yell at me...yuck.

The good news?! We finally bought a new car. It's all shiny and pretty. Ok it's a 2007 but that's new to me. Now I can look into a "mommy and me" class for Mr. Eli and I. I think we're more excited that "Paw-Paw" and Grandma Jeannie are coming out soon! I love visits...Just wish we had more of them.

Much love and Many Spit bubbles
Dawn and Eli

2 in a week...

2010-01-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm going for a record! Well, Eli is happily babbling and munching on his cheerios and goldfishies and since my Facebook entries seem to be invisible (at least no one seems to be replying or anything) I figured .oO(why not?!) Sooo....

Randy is on his way home today after his first business trip away from the family. None of us where pleased especially the baby....The baby being ME! At least that seems to be the common opinion amongst those I have talked to these past few days. Ok, I whined, A LOT, and I'm not sorry. I was lonely and I was scared to be alone in a city where I know very few people. And amongst those I know even less that I feel I can call on. Randy handles a crisis better than I do. Eli is hale and hearty but I'm not. What if I got sick? It would not be the first time the queen of clutz hurt herself doing something simple! He's just a little man in a big world and he needs, who, me?! OH MAN! So I was scared...turned to my "friends" on facebook. Ha! Happily my in-laws rock, my best friends on the east coast are just that (the best) and sometimes an unexpected blast from your past can make you smile. But the others who called me co-dependent and weak because I love my husband, miss his smile, and depend on him to parent OUR child I very childishly stick my tounge out at you and say *boo.*

On a happy note the sun came back to Vegas today and it's supposed to be out all weekend and nearly 60 degrees. Maybe after a full day of snuggling the hubby, we can get out and cruise around one of the outdoor malls. Take some more pictures.

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn and Eli

New Year...

2010-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

...new hope that perhaps I can find something to toss up here more than once a century. Seriously I started this with all the best intentions of trying to write daily (ha! you'd be so very bored you would ask me to please STOP) or at least weekly but honestly I can check in with my Spectator family 25 kazillion times a day (and I do...Hi ladies!) or check my Facebook 50 kazillion billion times a day (despite the lost animals traipsing across my pages from lost farmville estates) I just can't think of anything interesting to write about HERE. But my gorgeous sister in law asked me to try when I rediscovered how to log onto the internet again last week (I went on a self imposed internet ban for a few weeks) so ta-dah! Here ya go!

Since this is supposed to be about the little man who has destroyed my living room I will give you the status update. He is 10 going on 11 months. Will be 11 months on the 8th and I am slowly going into spasms realizing that my little baby is becoming a little man. Randy mentioned he might be a "toddler" and I almost rendered Randy useless in the pursuit of a second child if you catch my drift. Eli is NOT a toddler. But he is walking along the couch and back and forth in his pack and play and crib. He has maxed out at 5 un-assisted steps. He has 4 upper and 4 lower teeth. The 4th lower tooth is new. We are quite proud and after growling at mommy today he bit my toe to show me. His hair on the sides of his head is starting to come in and it's pretty cute. He makes all sorts of noises, mostly to try and lure the cats to him. He does mutter "mommommommom" (usually when he is grumpy or sad) and "dadadadadadadada" (usually when he is happy or playing) so it seems he prefers his daddy and the cats, mommy gets no love unless I have oreo sticks! He's learned to give "high-5's" and to clap when he's excited. His newest trick (which I hope preceeds an early potty train) was to detach his poopy diaper in his pack in play. Yup, all by his self...while mommy was on the couch....not looking. ThankGod my nose alerted me to the potential EPA accident and I fixed it. His other trick is cuter, which is to 1) poop 2) point to his butt and 3) point to my nose! Swear to God. Hmmm....Thats about it. His ***GULP*** first birthday is March 8th and I heard that his Grandpa Gene and his Grandma Jeannie will be coming out. He's way excited!

Wow, I guess I did have a lot. But I can't promise the little angel will sleep again for me to post or that I will ever have anything interesting to say again. But as I really enjoy reading Tara's blog it's only fair that I give her something to read once in awhile right? Hugs to the 5 people I think who read this!

Love and Spit bubbles
Dawn and Eli

3 months

2009-11-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

Ok I admit 3 months is pretty bad for time between blogs...and I have no excuse except laziness. I've actually had a lot of things to blog about, interesting things even. But can I think of even one of them now??? Nope. All I can think about is how happy I am. Which for me is a pretty darn amazing thing. I spent a large percentage of my life being miserable...and now for the most part my life is pretty darn amazing. Not to be smug or anything but....I'm married to my best friend and the love of my life. His family has accepted me and now I have an amazing extended family. I have the world's most amazing son (ok I might be a *bit* biased but bear with me) who fills each and every day with more joy than I thought possible. I have my chosen family which I just found out will be extended by one this July when my "brother" welcomes his first baby into the world. And for once my biological family is filled out with a mother AND a father as through the miracle of the internet my paternal family has found me. Plus I still have all those crazy people in my life that are more family than friends....Not too shabby for 'ole Dawn. So thats it for this blog, just me being happy. And since today's Thanksgiving I guess thats ok.

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn and Eli

Short and sweet

2009-08-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ahhh today was Eli's 5 month birthday! And yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of discovering that he was on his way into our lives...We had a lazy, snuggly day just enjoying doing nothing. We did take Eli down to the pool but it was a little chilly for him and so we cut it short. He's a natural in the water though, already kicking his legs and letting daddy dunk him under. After a bath and a bottle he's napping with his new blanket Grandma Jeannie sent him.

Last night he went out with us to First Friday's and it's amazing how open he is to new experiences and people. He was a little freaked out at first but after a few "mommy snuggles" he was up to party. He got to stay out way past his bedtime and seemed to have a blast with his adopted Aunties and Uncles. We got really lucky with him, in every way.

That's really it for us Vegas Winsetts...just getting ready for my (ick) 31st birthday/ Randy and I's 2nd wedding anniversary and our trip back to Oklahoma. I'm much more excited for the trip. :)

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn and Eli

Peas, love and happiness

2009-08-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been lax in posting...so much is going on and yet so little at the same time. We ran off to San Diego so Randy could go to ComicCon and he got to go for the day and geek out at the biggest and the best. I took the time to head out and see my besties from years ago. I hadn't seen Jeannie in over 6 years and although I had seen Julie at my baby shower I always love seeing her. We went up to her place and took the kids to the beach (Jeannie had two gorgeous daughters) It was so fun just to *be* with them again. Not "old" times but newer better times with the old flair. When I dropped my Jeannie off I cried the whole way back to my moms. I promise I will write more about these two, and maybe even dig up some old photos of us back in the day.

The next day we were supposed to do family photos with mom but we ran late and reschuled but I did get a chance to change my hair, a new and bright redhead am I. I love it. Basically that was Friday, just chilling with mom, Randy and the kiddo.

Saturday we tried to do the photo thing again but mom wasn't feeling great. So we texted another of my best pals and had breakfast with her and my rarely seen pal Magnus. It was SO great to get to catch up. I had seen Michalene since Eli was born but not Magnus. Actually I rarely see him anymore and was thrilled to "torture" him with the threat of baby cuddles. I think he's more afraid of babies than most people are of snakes!! Too fun.

We came home relaxed, took a nap, ate some dinner and then...oh joy....Randy and I went out for Mommy and Daddy time at a Burners without Borders fundraiser!! We went over to my friend Alik's house and got to spend some time with him which I had been missing SO SO much. The fundraiser was based on the 7 deadly sins and the costumes were great, the music good, and the people fantastic. I am so glad we went as my dear friend Jenny (the gorgeous redhead in the red dress) is moving to Vermont in September!!! I would have been heartbroken if she had moved and I had missed seeing her at least one more time. Her heart is bigger than I can even begin to describe. I also got to see my "gay husband" Cable and frankly I can never see enough of him.

Sunday we took Eli to see Jenny (we can't make him a good enough fake id yet) and he loves his Aunty Jenny. They actually look a bit alike. Saying goodbye was hard. Then we went to Wendy and Bob's to say hello and see how Wendy was recovering from her surgery. We only stayed an hour or so but at least we got to say hi.

Since returning not much has been going on, except....PEAS. Eli has started eating "solid" food and although we had tried about a month ago with bananas we decided to wait a little while to start again. We did cereal for 3 days and yesterday we added peas. He LOVES them. Another day and we add carrots. He's so cute with green goo on his chin kicking his feet and squealing ever time I say "say aaah" This kid is going to eat us out of house and home!!

Only 2 weeks to my birthday and Randy & I's anniversary and 22 days till we leave for Oklahoma! :)

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn and Eli

We got ourselves...

2009-07-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

a 16.4 pounder!! Eli went to the doctor yesterday and he tipped the scale at 16.4 pounds and 27 inches long. That's a 4.4 lb gain and a 4 inch gain in just 2 months. He's getting SO big. We were thinking closer to 18 pounds but guess he just feels heavier. He also got his shots and that did not please him at all. We got him home and I was able to get him smiling and to sleep. With a pillow tucked next to him I went in to talk to Randy when we heard a *crash* and yep...you guessed it the little man had rolled off the bed. I was horrified, he had shifted the pillow and rolled over part of it. Fortunately the little man didn't hurt anything but mommy's heart broke just a little bit. Oh the guilt of it all.

We got him to bed around 10 (ok Randy got him to bed, I was in bed by 9:30 LOL) and he slept til 6am! Then he knocked back out around 8am....played with mamma for an hour or 2 and now he's back out. Thank GOD for baby tylenol. He's so warm and seems achy...I wish I could take it all away. But it seems as though he is a mutant like daddy and heals quick. :o)

On my front the bug bite seems to have decided not to kill me. I bought a draw out salve and it drew out all the *yech* I got my shot yesterday and there will be no new Vegas Winsetts for at least 3 months. I'd love to repeat Eli sooner than later but dangit they still want us to pay for him. They can't take him back or sell him to Gerber for white slavery right? hehe Sooner rather than later....

We promise new pics soon. Eli got a new present from MaMere and it's...well it's too cute to try and describe. We'll post pictures, lets just say all my jokes about his driving don't seem so funny...

Love and Spit Bubbles
Dawn and Eli

A postcard would have been fine..

2009-07-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

So since we are skipping the Burn this year when I heard that a few of Randy's friends were heading out to the event held on the 4th of July in the same location by most of the same people I (not so gently) encouraged him to go. After all, for the last 2 years his life has been focused on me and the baby, the man NEEDED a vacation. So after (well...) telling him to go and getting another wife in on the action and getting her to tell her husband to go...We happily packed our husbands off for a weekend of debauchary sans wife and kids. (We decided to have an estrogen fest at her house...fun was had by all, more on that later)

The men were supposed to be gone til Monday but due to an unexpected plumbing problem at camper #3's house they came home Sunday. So we crashed out at our friends house Sunday night and returned to normal business at home Monday. All was well until Wednesday when I was attempting to clean and noticed I sat on something sharp and painful while trying to gather up Randy's camping clothing. I didn't think much of it until the next morning when the benadryl I was taking wore off. My right butt cheek was swollen to Jennifer Lopez proportions, bright red and hot enough to fry an egg on (temp...not looks trust me.) Turns out where the men had camped was infested with flying stinging pests and my love had brought home one of their stingers. Have I mentioned I stop breathing when things bite or sting me? If this little bastard hadn't already gotten Randy (or died trying ) or I hadn't been taking benadryl that night I probably would not be here to blog. I got all the symptoms of anaphalaxsis except the death part. I didn't use my EpiPen but probably should have....

Now a week later the swelling has started to abate and I can almost sit on my butt without screaming. This is why I don't camp....or clean for that matter! lol *bleh*

love and spit bubbles
Dawn and Eli

A natural high..

2009-07-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

I always wondered what that was...until today.
I had the little man on the bed with me and he was eating his "post-lunch-pre-dinner snack" and for no apparent reason (at least to mommy) he started to cry. Not knowing *exactly* what to do...he was dry, full and not in any physical pain I could see, I did all I could instinctually. I gathered him into my arms and snuggled him under my blanket (yes mommy has her lovie too) as he calmed down he tucked his little head onto my shoulder and met my eyes. Those little blue eyes where so full of trust and love. He looked at me like "How do you do it? You always seem to know what I want and need." And as I stared at my snuggly infant son he smiled at me and I knew that he KNEW mommy would always be there. Thats what that whole "natural high" thing is. So I got the great joy of cuddling my boy as he fell asleep, listening to him sigh and coo as he got more comfy in my arms, safe and secure knowing his mommy was there. I think I spent his entire nap staring at him, kissing his head and whispering to him that he was right in believeing....right in knowing that his mommy would always love him, always cuddle him and ALWAYS be there. How as a woman, as a wife, as a human did I get so darn lucky?

Love and spit bubbles
Dawn and Eli

Life lessons from a shortish baldish man with big ears...

2009-07-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

No not Ross Perot...my kiddo. Today in a rush after my shower I skipped his normal 20-30 minute wake up routine of cuddles, tickles, kisses and songs. I picked him up, stripped him of his diaper jumped in the tub with him, washed his stinky butt, jumped out, dried, lotioned and dressed him. It was my "introduction to grown-up's 101" if you will. He was NOT impressed. He looked at me like I was an alien. Then I realized that perhaps that is why we as grown-ups are so darn grumpy. If we had someone to gently snuggle us awake, sing us silly songs, tell us they loved us, kiss our tummies, and lull us gently into our day PERHAPS we wouldn't want to kill the 1st (or 2nd-100th) person we see in the morning. Perhaps Starbucks would fall into ruin! Dear Gods....perhaps people would SMILE!!!! EEK! Anything but that.....

Realizing my error, and that I had the potential for a grumpy/teething baby I quickly resumed snuggle-cuddle-sing-feed-play-kiss-love time and I am happy to say, the Eli is happy. And when Eli is happy, even a grumpy mommy is happy. Isn't it great when you learn from someone who is only 116 days old and has only recently discovered he has feet?!?!

Love you all and happy 4th
Dawn and Eli

Not much to say but...if a picture is worth 1000 words

2009-06-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

We have Eli ready for a baseball game, the fair, and of course the SD Chargers!

Eli chilling after pooltime, in the pool with Mommy, and of course with his Daddy!

Eli turning himself upside down (still have no idea how!) in his shades and ready to ride and demanding a mini donut at the swapmeet!

We love you all!
Dawn and Eli

On a happy note....

2009-06-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

I did get a digital camera. My mom gave me her kodak easy share with the printer dock and everything!!! All I need to do is buy the printer and paper. But Randy will be able to set the dock up for me so I can e-mail and post more pictures!! Plus I can send physical prints! :)

love and spit bubbles
dawn and Eli

Funkytown...

2009-06-26T16:14:00.001-07:00

And not the "get out your goldfish filled platforms and bellbottoms" It's more of the *bleh* can't shake this yucky feeling. I know my last 2 blogs have been veritable rays of sunshine and I should really try and perk this up but I'm just *bleh* I was really let down by San Diego and I get lonely here in Las Vegas. I love being home with Eli and wouldn't trade being able to do that for anything. I just miss being around someone who talks. I hate to bug people by calling them on the phone and facebook is only entertaining for so long. It's just bleh bleh bleh. Gods, better stop now...my whining is bugging me....

love you all
dawn

Can you do math?

2009-06-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

I can. If you are prescribed 150 pills and you can take 8 a day, how many days of pills do you have. I believe the number is 18.something. Today I go to the doctor and was told that the 150 was for 30 days and I was only supposed to take 5 a day. The bottle said 1-2 every 6 hours....quick do the math that equals 8. I explained to Dr. Asshole (my doc was on a boat in Europe) that perhaps since my normal Doc knew I was coming back in 3 weeks perhaps he wrote me a 3 weeks scrip. I was told "we don't do 3 week appointments"Funny I came in on the 4th of June and today was the 25...gee seems like 3 weeks to me right. Again with the math. The the butthead proceed to stick a needle up and down my arms and into my neck while zapping me. Then he left, the MA came in and proceeded to zap me again, putting the info into the wrong screens. Dr. Asshole wrote me a scrip to cover me til the 3rd and off I go.

I get to appointment 2 and on a whim I call my pharmacy to see if they had received the refill fax on my muscle relaxer (faxed Monday) NOPE. So I call Dr. A-hole's office and ask them if they got the fax...course not. So my pharmacy faxes it not once, not twice, not 3 times, not 4, but 5 muther-ffin times. Thinking they have it I take my sedation meds get crammed into a tube and get radiated for 20 minutes. Did I mention I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic?

Off we go to the pharmacy. Is the muscle relaxor filled? NOPE. But the new scrip I have was dated for TOMORROW. Are you fucking kidding me? I spend the next hour callingback and forth and having the scrip refaxed 6, 7, and 8 times. Finally they fix the refaxed one and at 4:45pm I get some idiot MA who SWORE the doctor would call my pharmacy immediately so I cold go on my merry little way. (I've now been at the pharmacy for 2 hours) Finally at 5:15 I gave up took the muscle relaxors and will go get the other crap tomorrow.

Do I have "please have all your idiot employees annoy me?" tatooed on my ass today or what?!!?!? Tara can I borrow your grumpy lol cat.

Love my family!! Hate my doctors minions!

ps
Eli is doing great and can almost turn over! But this was a rant and Eli is happy news

Un-Fair Fairness and San Diego

2009-06-24T20:22:00.001-07:00

Well as I have been posting happily about for weeks me and the boys went down to San Diego to visit my mom. We rented a car (cha-ching) and drove down to San Diego Weds night. Mom was excited to see us and oooed and cooed over Eli, all of which I expected. I had warned her that on Thursday I was going to try and visit my best friend Vitaly, Friday I was having dinner with Julie and that Saturday I was going to try and see Michalene. She was pre-warned. Some how I thought this would help.
Thursday we got up and ran a few errands to let Randy sleep in a bit. When we came home we loaded up to head out to the fair. I was doing the inner hokie pokie....I LOVE THE FAIR. I love the rides, I love the foods, the vendors....I LOVE THE FAIR. We get in and run about looking for food which we find and then we decide to walk the vendor halls. In my mind I am thinking "ridesridesridesrides" but trying to be cool and amicable to all invovled we walked the crap for sale. (Yes I bought a few things...I am human after all) Then we leave the halls (rides?) and walk around for more food. After food part 2 we walked around the ride/game area (yes ms. diabetic you can go into the candy store but you get NOTHING) So we walked around more, bought the desert type snacks and left. Did you read all that? NO RIDES FOR DAWN.

We get home and although I was tired I still wanted to see Alik but Mommy-dearest didn't think we should go out when wehad been out all day. NO BURNERS FOR DAWN.

Friday we go to breakfast and to Ikea. I txt Julie and we were making plans when my mom went weepy nutto "it's almost time for you to leave, do you have to take the baby?" So NO VISIT WITH OLD FRIENDS FOR DAWN,

Saturday Michalene let me know that she wa having tummy trouble, so I assumed the plans were canceled. We went to the Swap Meet (got cute shoes) Later on got word that we could have gone over and said hello. If we had mom mom would have gone nutters. So AGAIN I stayed. NO FRIENDS FOR DAWN

Sunday she and I ran some errands and then went to the cemetary to say hello to my grandpa. I had never gone to the grave since the ceremonie there. I just wanted 5 minutes. She gave them to me but as I went back to the car she attacked hugged me and sobbed all about her missing him. Here I was in tears and grief and she didn't even ask me how I was.

Then we went back to the house packed and went to see my Wendy and Bob. Dan was there and that was the only happy moment of my trip.

Overall, I could have had a V-8
hugs
daw

Funny vomit wasn't in the ad...

2009-06-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

...for this whole "mommy" job. Just kidding, sort of. I was a bit of a vomit-phobe (I'm sure there s some fancy term for it) Being the sober one for a great many parties, holding hair...hearing noises no 90lb woman should make...seeing colors God did not intend your body to create...yup I pretty much hate puke. So Eli has had a bit of a tummy *bleh* today and surprisingly enough neither one of us are too freaked out about the gastrointestinal pyrotechnics his little body has chosen to spew out. He just smiles after as if to say "I feel better Mom." Of course this would happen 2 days before we have a 6 hour car trip and a fun visit in San Diego. Hopefully this is just a teeny thing .

Well I had hoped to blog more but Eli is up again and today when he is up he wants to be held...it's a tough life but someone has to do it ;) (for those who miss my sarcasm...that tough life...was a joke)

Love
Dawn and Eli

It's always sunny in Vegas right?

2009-06-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

Darn clouds will not blow out of this town and the pressure is KILLING me! I'd gladly have a rooat canal with no novacaine for a month without migraines...well ok maybe not that extreme but I think you catch my meaning. Grrrr. I have a MRI and a nerve conduction study scheduled for June 25th and hopefully we can get moving on a more productive way of doing things. Keep me in your prayers.

Eli is becoming more and more of a daredevil every day. He likes to be tossed onto the bed (from about 6 inches above the bed or lifted up by his feet. Scares mommy to death but the kiddo grins like a maniac. Being the girlie girl that I was this was all foreign to me but I do love to see him smile. He smiles constantly. I can't wait for everyone to see what a happy baby he is. He gobbles his "ricer" bottles an now he eats "nanner" bottles (I add a few teaspoons of baby bananas to his bottle and shake shake shake) and he LOVES it. Next week its sweet potatos. I hate them but daddy loves them so we'll see.

I'm very excited as next week we are heading south to San Diego to see my mom and go to the San Diego County fair. I love the rides and the FOOD. My mom is thrilled as she hasn't seen Eli since he was 5 days old. We'll also be albe to see a few "burner" pals (it's a weekend of a burner event so most will be camping) and a few other pals I rarely get to see. I am looking forward to a change of scenery. Then we'll be back for a month...back to San Diego for ComicCon and a chance to see more Burner friends and High School friends!! and then in August off to Oklahoma. Lots of travel but also lots of family. I can't wait. Now if I could just forget about my 31st birthday in August....doubt that will happen...*bleh* Maybe I'll finally be able to beg for that aquamarine ring or the digital camera *hint hint* (never hurts to beg the hubby early right?)

Well thats my boring news for now. I'll add one more cute picture of the kiddo...cause I'm a mommy-addict!

A letter to my husband and son

2009-06-02T08:45:00.001-07:00

Dear Randy and Eli,

I suppose I should write this out privately but these are words I shouldn't hide. I want everyone I know to understand how much the both of you have changed my life and how happy I am.

The first 29 years or so of my life weren't so great...between bouts of depression, drug abuse, physical/mental abuse, being abandoned and feeling unloved I had a lot of very unhappy days. I had grown accustomed to all of that and figured that it was just the status quo. I thought that life had to be hard, that unconditional love was a myth and that happiness was just something Disney made up to sell movies. I had love for my family and friends but no love for myself. I spent days drifting between self loathing and pain honestly believing that I didn't deserve anything more.

Then by some miracle I sent the right e-mail to the right person and an honest dialogue was opened. I started having something to look forward to, something to trust and it scared the hell out of me. I looked for any reason to disbelieve my own heart but no reason came. Finally in a fit of fear but wanting so much to believe I asked that our first (well second) meeting be made without the usual "masks" people wear. Just honesty, something I hadn't ever had. When I made the long drive my hands and heart shook because I knew this was going to change my life but I wasn't sure if it was going to be great or emotional devastation. If people know the story, they know that after 36 short hours of honesty we walked out in love and with a promise of marriage.

I knew I loved you Randy the first moment I saw you in 2005, but it was confirmed when I saw your eyes and smile in that trailer in 2007. You accepted me, as screwed up as I was, for exactly what I was. You never once asked me to change or be someone I couldn't be. You loved and accepted me, held me when I cried and made me want to become a better woman. You watched me slowly climb out of the pit of addiction, drug me kicking and screaming to the hospital and demanded that I be taken care of, and made me believe that I wasn't alone anymore. You accepted the part of me that was (and is) the "Fraggle" but also got me to accept the fact that "Dawn" is a good person too, worthy of your love and devotion. More importantly you helped me integrate those two into a better me...Mrs. Winsett. Your kindness, acceptance, love and friendship saved my life in more ways than the physical...you helped me heal my soul and taught me to accept unconditional love and for that I will forever grateful. Then after you gave me all that you had, you gave me the gift I never thought I would be worthy of, our son.

Eli, my little man...my light, my joy. How can I find the words to describe something that I love so much? I don't think even I understand the depth of my love for you. I don't think God will let me understand that because my heart might just explode. Into you I put everything good I had and wanted nothing back but it came back to me so that I could continue to nurture you and give you what you need. I look at you and see all the love your Daddy and I share and it grows everyday as we watch you grow. I have grown up more in the last year than I have in any other period of my life. Things I accepted before no longer are acceptable if they affect you and I would kill to make sure that your life is perfect. My life will be spent making sure that you never have to experience the harsher life lessons I did and that you never question that you are loved. You are a perfect example that everyone can get a second chance at a beautiful life. I love you with all of my soul and my whole heart.

To my dearest loves...my husband and son I can't promise perfection. I will make mistakes and I will fail. But I can promise that I will always pick myself up and try again. I will always strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. I will strive to never intentionally cause either of your hearts a moments hurt and if I do I promise to kiss the pain away. Randy, I promise to continue to be your wife, your confident, your lover, your best friend and your loyal and faithful partner for as long as you will have me. Eli, I promise to be your mother, your confident, your teacher, a comfort, your clown, your protector and (at times) your friend for as long as I am alive. Both of your presence in my life makes me feel strong, beautiful and loved and I thank God for you both. You are both always in my thoughts, in my prayers and in my heart. I love you.

Love
Dawn, aka Fraggle, aka Mrs. Winsett, aka Mom (my favorite) :-*

Bagels, Bananas, and Babies

2009-06-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ahh I haven't blogged in too long, but as few people read this I doubt it was missed! Thanks to friends wanting to hang out I actually got the house clean Thursday so this weekend we were able to relax quite a bit on Saturday, just some laundry to contend with. Sunday on the other hand...we got busy!

Sunday morning we met up with a friend of mine from high school. Thanks to the joy of Facebook I found a survivor of Serra Senior High here in Vegas! She and I were in drama together and we bonded over both being adopted. (Our "moms" stormed into a drama rehearsal at midnight once and hollered at our teacher....good times!) So we met up for a brunch of bagels and memories. She brought her 9 year old daughter Sabrina and we spent a few hours catching up and talking about where we are now with our lives. It was so nice to meet up with someone who "knew me then" and could see how far I had come. Plus I had always really liked her, a rare thing for someone from high school...LOL. Her daughter is a gem too.

After brunch we headed off to our "burner" friend Tiya's sons 1st birthday. It was a pool party over at some old friends house and it was a lot of fun. I was surprised as I wasn't always a welcome addition to the Las Vegas burner events (I stole Randy away, hehe) but time has passed and we're all friendly now. There were 4 babies under 3 and it was so fun to watch them play in the pool. Eli loved the water and was in off and on for over 4 hours! Plus it was everyones favorite game "pass the baby!" Eli loved the attention, he is such a trooper. By the end of the day Eli was still ready to party (there was MANY cute girls to flirt with and that kid can flirt) but Randy and I were dead on our feet. On the drive home, idiot me reached into the back seat and whacked out my neck...way to end a great day.

Today was a lay around and recover sort of day. Eli went to bed last night around 11 and slept til 5:30am without a sound, then he stirred a bit, drank a little bottle, got a diaper change and crashed back out until 8. When he awoke then he drained a bottle and went back out til 10. Most of the rest of the day was a mix of giggles and cuddles and sleep (at least for him....for me it was wincing and reaching for the heating pad) When Randy came home we tried out some baby food bananas and Eli seemed to love them. He got about 1/2 a teaspoon in and smiled through the whole experience, although I did get the look of "why you been holding out on me mommy?" He's going to eat us out of house and home. I thought the 3 "B's" stood for B.inky-B.ottle-B.utt but methinks I am wrong and they stand for B.abes-B.eer-B.acon. What can I say, he's advanced. :)

Well thats the news from here, exciting no? Aren't you glad you logged in? Eli sends kisses and spit bubbles.

Grandpa

2009-05-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today is Memorial Day and although I miss my grandfather everyday special holidays for servicemen (and women) make losing him more poignant. My grandpa was not always an easy man to love. He was gruff, rude and blunt. He worked hard and lost a lot in his life. He was the last of the Gardner men and seen his wife Madeline die after a long hard illness. He had raised her children as his own having been kept away from his only biological daughter (my mom.) He was a Navy man who retired with full honors, went back to college, rejoined the work force and earned a second full retirement. He was deaf (when he chose to be), diabetic (but a sugar hound), had COPD (but snuck a smoke every chance he got) and lived for his nightly beer and shot (Crown Royal in a juice glass.) He didn't want to live to be as old as he was and denied the joys of living. But he kept on long after he wanted to for my mother and I.

In 1993 I found out he existed and wrote him a letter, the letter in return was tear stained. He not only wanted to know me he loved me. For a few brief years I centered his world, I was his little girl. Then before I left for college I introduced him to his daughter. I ceased to be his focused and although I had moments of regret (based in selfisness) I knew this was what he wanted. When his health declined and my mom's mental health needs increased she moved in. I'm convinced this extended his life. For almost ten years she drove him crazy and made him laugh.

In October of 2005 his health declined to the point that hospice was called. Everyone but my mom knew what this meant. She called me to let me know he was having a worse than usual night so I came over. I asked for a moment alone with him. He was sedated on morpine and clodaphine. I told him I knew I had never made him proud and that seemed to agitate him, so I said I was sorry. I told him I loved him and just wanted to make him happy and proud of me. I told him that I knew he was holding on for me and my mom but that he didn't have to keep on for us. I knew he was tired and that if he wanted to go to his brothers and Madeline, we'd be sad but we would understand. I kissed him and held his hand. Later on that night I told my mom to get some rest that I would watch over him. I think I fell asleep for a minute or 2...and he was gone. The funeral home came and got him and when they tied a sheet over his face I panicked. He was a hero, a figher, my grandpa...they seemed to understand and retied it in a more respectful position.

A week later he was buried with full honors. 21 gun salute, taps, and the flag ceremony. I don't remember much of it. Now I look at my son, who bears my grandpas name and I wonder how will I ever tell him how wonderful his great-grandpa was. I would give ANYTHING. Anything, 10 years of my life, for 1 hour with him now...to be able to put my son in his arms to say "Look at the woman I am now" to tell him I love him one more time.

I love you Grandpa, I hope you can hear me...
.

Family weekends

2009-05-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just got an e-mail from Grandpa Gene and it looks like everyone (except the Vegas Winsetts) will be in Oklahoma this weekend including my Step-Brother in Law Michael (whom I have not met) This is when I dislike where I live. Vegas is great but I really miss being able to "pop" over for a visit. Dang it all. I miss my San Diego peeps, my New York peeps, the Oklahoma peeps, and the "Burner" peeps scattered all over this great green planet. If I had all the money in the world travel would be a bigger part of our plan. Thank God for blogs, e-mails, texts, pictures and phones huh? For all those...near and far we love you!

Turning smurfy

2009-05-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

Friday is Grandparent's Day!! A holiday that for the past 3 years hasn't meant much to me but now (with 6 grandma's and 3 grandpa's for Eli) seems VERY important! So I take my cutie pie son and explain to him that we need to make something special for his grandparents. Now I *know* he is only 10 1/2 weeks old but he is very advanced and VERY stubborn and although he accepted my help he insisted on signing them himself....Glad I checked the label for toxicity....Off to take a bath...quickly...this stuff might stain...:*)

Dreaming....

2009-05-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

I realized an amazing thing this weekend...I'm a grown-up!! With my mom I've always had to be more grown up but handing my son over to Wendy and Bob...I realized I wasn't the silly teenager I once was. It was so nice to realize that they finally got to see me with my act together and that their investment in me paid off. I have been so scared that I would lose Wendy (her health is not great at times) and she would not get to see me "ok." This weekend was so great for me in that sense. She said she has never seen me this happy and in truth...I have never been this happy. I didn't know this level of happy existed.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a pediatrician because I wanted to be surrounded by children. I was being raised in a world where being a stay at home wasn't real politically correct, plus I saw what being left by a husband could do to a woman without skills. But if I am really honest with myself...all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted to be the room mom, the PTA mom, the mom who made the cool birthday cakes and crazy art projects on rainy days. I realize that my "feminist" membership card might get rescinded for admitting this but isn't feminism about choice? I like being a wife and a mom. I don't mind sacrificing to take care of Eli. New cars, fancy jewelry, or vacations don't really matter to me (although I do love my purses and shoes!) I just want to be at home with my kids. If we could afford it I'd have a dozen of them (Randy just had a heart attack and doesn't know why LOL) but I want my kids to have the best life (and I want to live in the city and not the middle of nowhere) so I'll settle for 2 (or 3...hehehe) All of my dreams have come true...I have a husband I adore and a little boy who amazes me on a minute-ly basis. What could be better?

Thanks for reading me gush and being a part of my happy little world...Eli says hi!

Family

2009-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

New weekend coming so a new blog...

Wow it's taken awhile for me to come up with something to say here in Doozer's world. We are both really excited as my adopted mom (Wendy) and her husband (Bob) are coming into Vegas this weekend to see Eli. Usually Wendy is headed back east by now so I was worried she wouldn't get to meet her grandson for a long time but she surprised me when I called last week by saying they were coming out now. For those who don't know the back story...Wendy is the mother of my best friend Daniel (whom I usually refer to as my brother) When my mom started having problems with drugs Wendy took me in. That only lasted a few months before I was shipped off to Colorado to my grandbeast's house. After 2 years I called Wendy begging to come home. Despite having little money and working 3 jobs to support just her and Dan...she let me come home and made sure I finished high school. Since then I have lived with them off and on. Wendy is as different as my mom as can be...mom is tattoos, beer and pizza...Wendy is diamonds, champagne and lobster. If you know me at all you can see how they both have shaped who I am today. So I am very excited to have her and her husband come out. Bob is Wendy's 3rd or 4th husband...but they have been friends forever. He proposed every year on her birthday and she said no. Finally he stopped asking, then about 10 years ago she asked him. When they married Bob accepted me as his own. We named the baby both for Randy's uncle and for Bob. He was the man who showed me what a real husband is like. I love them both...a lot!

Mother's Day was nice but I certainly got the shock of my life when I checked my voicemail and had a message from Randy's mom! (I met his step-mom a few weeks ago) We had sent her a letter but being the dunce I am I switched the box # with the zipcode...so the letter came back. I called her back and we had a lovely conversation. I'm really lucky to have married into such a great family. She seemed really excited to be a grandma and I promised to e-mail her pictures right away (which I did...just hope I got the e-mail address right....damn dsylexia) When I was growing up I always wanted a big extended family with brothers/sisters, aunts/uncles, and grandparents that weren't spawned from hell. I have 2 uncles (but one has joined the ranks of hell-spawn lately) and my grandfather died almost 4 years ago. I am so happy Eli will have what I never did. 6 grandma's claim him, 2 grandpa's, 1 biological Aunt and Uncle, 1 adopted Uncle and Aunt, 1 addopted Aunt and nephew and lots of "chosen" family who call him their own. He's probably going to think Auntie and Uncle are people's 1st names for awhile, lol. With a big family comes the opportunity to be hurt big but I have to open my heart and risk being hurt. Scary!

My health is once again making me nervous. I wish my darn GI doctor wasn't on vacation this week as I need to talk to him. I was advised to go to the ER with my newest concern but as long as it doesn't get any worse I am going to try and hold off. I'm a little weak and tired from it but I can manage ok. Eli is a pretty chill kid. Next week will be a flurry of doctor activity...interventional pain doctor on thursday, neurologist friday and GI on friday. Funfunfun for me huh?

The infantile overlord has awoken...that's all for now!

ps: I promise new pictures of the kiddo soon! Randy just found our camera ;)

Growth...

2009-05-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

Well I'm amazed...I have fodder for 2 posts in one day....go fig

Eli went to his 2 month checkup today and has gained 5 pounds since birth. Well actually he was 7.1 when he was born but 6.6 when we brought him home...so more like 5.5lbs. He is now 12 pounds and 23 inches long. He gained 2 pounds and .5in since his last appointment 2 weeks ago. What everyone says is true, they grow up so fast.

They let me hold him while he got his shots. 1 oral vaccine and 2 shots. He was looking right into my eyes when she stuck him the first time and the look of pain and shock was almost too much for me. The second shot pissed him off and man did he cry. The nurse left then and Randy and I cuddled him til he was happy and almost smiling again. Now we have to massage the area and he doesn't appreciate that! I'm going to have to wake him soon and run his leg and give him a little tylenol because he is running a fever. Good news is that we don't have to go back for 2 months. Heck even I haven't had 2 months without a Dr.s appointment...

Speaking of which I have to see my GP tomorrow. Hopefully he will continue to address my headaches and also look into my stomach issues as my neurology appt isn't for another 2 weeks and my GI doc is out of town for at least 2 weeks too. Wish me luck!

Trying to find my "brave" button

2009-05-06T09:55:00.001-07:00

I realized that now that I have started a blog, I actually need to update it! My day to day life isn't that exciting, unless you count me kicking booty at Yahtzee.

Now to explain the title, today is Eli's first set of shots. **yikes** I've been promised that he won't remember if it hurts but still he's so little! I am hoping that I will be able to hold him and give him his bottle while they do it. (If she says no, I have been informed to tell her that she is mean) Holding him will keep me from crying and running out of the room. Thank God I will have Randy there.

Speaking of thanking God for a husband....I knew I was in love with Randy from the 1st time I met him (of course it took us 2 more years to meet and admit we were hooked on each other.) I knew he was an amazing man and everything I could wish for. Having a child with him has re-enforced those feelings and expanded them to so much more. Walking into the room and seeing him cuddling our son makes my heart expand so much, sometimes I think I am going to die. He is such an amazing father, so open and loving. Given my life before Randy, I was convinced I would never be happy, never get what I dreamed about and now? I have everything I have ever wanted and so much more. I am a lucky woman.

Ok, it's time to bathe the kiddo to ready him for his adventure. In addition to his shots we are going into daddy's work to show off how big Eli has gotten!

2009-04-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

New blog, 1st post! I'm not sure what I will say here but I figured it was time to join the modern world and get a blog. (Big thanks to my sister in law for sending me her blog link and giving me the motivation to finally do this.)

For people who know me well you know that Burning Man is a big part of Randy and I's world as are regional events...so important we went to the burn and 2 regionals while I was pregnant. This last weekend we had our first regional to go to now that Eli has been born. We got there at noon, the baby wasn't eating well and we left by 5:30pm. From party animals to parent animals!! The best part? We didn't mind at all. It made me feel much better about our decision to skip the burn this year. They do say babies change everything!

Speaking of the baby he is growing like a weed and getting chubbier by the day. He's smiling, sticking his tongue out and will laugh any day now. He truly is the center of our world...and I think he knows it. How can you resist anything this cute?

(Eli at 5 weeks old when Grandma and Grandpa were in town)

Well that's the news for now!